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burdle
19th October 2009, 04:28 PM
I have just had my first session of acupuncture. I am ashamed to say I was absolutely terrified and was completely awful. Everyone was really nice to me - held my hand etc. I was very grateful but I hate myself for not coping. I feel I was forced into it but I know that people were just trying to help me with this awful back pain.

I am beginning to think that there is something very wrong with me. I simply cannot cope with any treatment or even the thought of any treatment. Mainly it is associated with my back- I hate anyone looking at it or touching it but when I think about it I am pretty awful with any medical procedure ( blood tests, smears etc.). When I go to a hospital I feel sick and always want to burst into tears except when I go as the carer - then I am 'superwoman'.

I rejected surgery when I was 40 and though it was because I had weighed everything up and had done what was best at the time. I think really that it is because I am just a coward and reading about some of you guys and your surgeries I feel so bad.

I really go to pieces but the strange thing is that I am really quite a capable person. I have a good career and I am in charge of a team etc and I like to think I am quite supportive to my friends.

I am getting a bit desperate now - I don't think I can go to my GP as I am not sure what to say and if anyone can help. The older I get the more I feel that I can't be helped.

I am so way overdue to go back for a check up about my back but I just put if off - what's the matter with me! The longer I leave it the more worried I get.

Sorry this sounds so pathetic.

tonibunny
19th October 2009, 04:41 PM
Hi Burdle,

You're NOT being a coward, and there's nothing wrong with you. Even some of the strongest and most capable people around are terrified of hospitals and needles and things! Anyone who works in a hospital will tell you that. Hospitals are so far removed from most people's normal lives, of course it's going to feel scary and threatening when you enter such an alien environment, especially when you associate that environment with pain.

Your GP would surely refer you to a consultant so you could have a check up. This is the first step, don't worry about anything that comes after :squeeze:

Toni xx

bluestone
19th October 2009, 05:11 PM
Toni is right your not a coward.
Many people find hospitals a scary place-I used to but ive been so many times now its become easier, although I still get a bit jittery before I go.
Staying strong for my daughter has helped me too as she has to see its nothing to worry about.

I think it would be best to see your GP about getting reffered to a consultant before you find yourself getting any worse.
Im glad I did although I now have to be brave enough to face surgery.
My consultant did say that if I didnt go for the surgery I was to go away!
So I think once you get into your 40s its time to face things.
All the best and take care

Lucy7
19th October 2009, 06:21 PM
Burdle,

There is nothing at all pathetic about you. But when we go into hospital, it makes many of us feel very vulnerable. You sound like a lady with a great career and lovely family, who is used to being in a certain amount of control. When you have any type of treatment, (surgical or non) you literally have to surrender control to another person and I for one find that very tough. I also seek guarantees and worry like silly when I don't hear what I want. I think many of us share this mentality.

Unfortunately, there comes a time when we have to evaluate our quality of life and ask ourselves if there is a chance that something else could help us feel better. I agree it is time for another consultation with another specialist if possible so that you feel you are getting a second opinion. If the specialist mentions surgery again, I think you need to write down a pros and cons sheet for surgery. Leave emotion out of it for now. Imagine you are helping a third person so that you can think logically. Then look at the results. If it turns out that surgery is the best answer for you then you need to trust your own judgement and work on ways to relieve stress so you can go for it. I have a friend who wants to go in for a breast reduction op (it is a huge quality of life issue not cosmetic ) but is terrified of surgery so she goes once a week for relaxation classes at her local community center which I know are getting rid of her fear. Maybe that or hypnosis could help you a bit.

Burdle, no matter what you decided, we are here for you. Please keep us updated regularly on how you are.

Take care,
Lucy xx

Amazed Jean
19th October 2009, 08:36 PM
I so know where you are at. When I was in my teens and early 20's at first no treatment was recommended. You know it was the "It doesn't hurt and it won't get worse". They lied. I took myself off to Mayo Clinic. They were appalled but couldn't say surgery would help me except for some cosmetics. They also said minimum 2years hospital and bed rest. I passed. (I was bullet proof and invincible in my own mind.) I was 8 months pregnant when someone else said something about curve progression and said I should have it looked into. With a newborn and a husband who traveled, surgery was out of the question. This was in 1977 and I was raising a kid and they couldn't guarantee an outcome so I blew them off. I thought there would be time later.
By this time I was absolutely terrified of needles, doctors etc. My "gut feel" was to steer clear of spine issues. I was also tired of hearing professionals say, "OMG you Do have some curves!"etc. To my way of thinking, they weren't exactly inspiring trust. We started some work related moving of household and I did seek some other opinions. I had a few trips to the hospital for lung related issues and pneumonia. Again I shocked medical people more than got any sense of confidence. No matter who I saw they were terrifying me. "You may not walk,You may not leave the hospital," kind of talk does not inspire confidence. My "gut" said no. I just wasn't finding much in the way of proven scoliosis surgeons at that time.
I admit I just let the whole issue go for a several years because even my GP doctors couldn't find me someone to see locally. ( The years before computers were common). After some more moves and doctor changes, I finally was in need of at least another scoliosis opinion. New doctor got me on O2 and referred me for lung function and heart evaluation and sent me to new Scoliosis doctor in the area who encouraged me to get computer literate. I found SSO!!! New Scoliosis doctor sent me to his mentor (Dr. Jon Lonstein in MN) and he didn't pull any punches either. Where he also said he couldn't make any guarantees and he said I should have an honest session with an anestheisologist and another lung function guy. After these consults the decision was abundantly clear.
A surgery now is not in the cards. My lungs aren't good enough. I would be fine going to sleep but he said more than once, waking me up was not going to be as easy and outcome would not be good. I was told to weigh where I was and if I would settle for some changes in oxygen, adding Bipap and possibly a mobility device. I also had to stay away from crowds and places where germs are harbored. So that is where I am now. I'm trusting my gut feel. I'm walking and talking and have gotten to enjoy three grandkids. I have to tell you also that as much as I LOVE those munchkins and their antics, I get misty eyed on SSO often. Young folks with a scoliosis battle of their own have such courage and heart. Current state of the art surgeries and their success "Wow" me. I ache to have been able to have someone medically advanced back in my day. I'm not jealous but instead I am grateful that a better time is here for lots of people. I also bear firmly in mind that there are many people in the world with lots more pressing and medically critical issues they deal with.
I started this volume wanting to let you know that I see your pain. I get your fear. I never go to the doctor alone anymore - I'm too chicken. Needles etc. scare the crap out of me. It's okay though, I'm still fighting. You should fight as much as your "gut" feel tells you to.

carolad
19th October 2009, 10:05 PM
Aw Burdle I'm really sorry you are feeling like this :( As you can see though, your reaction is far from uncommon, so please don't feel bad about it or think you are weak for not coping.

I completely understand where you are coming from with regard to going to hospital, having treatment etc - I have always been very nervous of anything medical-related. My GP thought I had high blood pressure until he realised that it was just the thought of coming to see him which was raising it! And because of the bad experiences I've had with the NHS and my back, I'm determined never to go near doctors again! (Not a very sensible attitude I know, but its just the way I feel at the moment...I'm not suggesting anyone else takes this approach!)

I'm lucky though because I don't have that feeling of anxiety if I'm outside of the hospital/surgery environment - so going to my physio at her house isn't a problem, and I've also been to a Chinese acupuncturist in a shopping centre and that was fine too.

Its definitely worth talking to your GP. You aren't committing yourself to anything, but it would be really good if you could see a specialist and find out exactly what your options are. That might give you back a degree of contol, so YOU can decide what is best for you at this stage in your life. And even if you decide against surgery, your GP may be able to refer you to a Pain Clinic to help you manage your pain better. Please don't suffer on alone like this - there is help out there for you. Take care xxx

helengracie
21st October 2009, 11:13 PM
I know a lady who was in her 50's and has had relief from SCENAR. Her name is Meg and she lives in Sydney. I will ask her to join this group and give you some advice. Her story is really inspiring and it should help you...