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mark
14th January 2008, 11:51 PM
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa251/northernsoul1970/DSCF0176.jpg

http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa251/northernsoul1970/DSCF0181.jpg

http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa251/northernsoul1970/DSCF0176.jpg



http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa251/northernsoul1970/DSCF0177.jpg

http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa251/northernsoul1970/DSCF0173.jpg

This was taken in march 2004.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/sinni/DSC001184.jpg

tonibunny
15th January 2008, 12:15 AM
Oooch. Thanks for posting these Mark, I'm really not familiar with kyphosis and it helps me a lot to be able to see what you have to deal with xxx

GillyG
15th January 2008, 12:15 AM
Mark, that does look like it's very painful. :( I think you definitely need to get checked out again and explore your options...

I don't know if this site's members are a typical representation of relative numbers, but it strikes me that the blokes tend towards kyphosis rather than scoliosis. I wonder why that would be, if indeed it is the case? My Grandad certainly had kyphosis, although I've only realised that with hindsight.

Please let us know what you decide to do Mark.

Love, Gilly xx

Simon
15th January 2008, 12:16 AM
Are you having your back treated mark............

What does your curve measure at the moment?????

Thankss for sharing your pics

BeckyH
15th January 2008, 12:23 AM
so many people around here value your unwavering support, mark and i think it's really brave to post those photos. it's something i knew i would regret deeply, but i never plucked up the courage to strip off for photos like this before i had my surgery so i really applaud people like yourself who do. at the time i didn't want to face the reality of how i looked, i didn't consider that i could've just had the photos taken and not looked at them myself until i was ready to do so. but what's done is done for me.

i hope you can find a way of feeling better about yourself and easing any physical pain you're in, be that through surgical or non-surgical methods. but i think whatever happens you're brave and caring, and deserve a fantastic outcome just like everyone else.

mark
15th January 2008, 12:46 AM
Originally posted by sibowainwright@Jan 14 2008, 11:16 PM
Are you having your back treated mark............

What does your curve measure at the moment?????

Thankss for sharing your pics


Its a long story Simon, i was first assessed in the dim dark early 1980s when no one wanted to know, the tecniques weren't really there for kyphosis surgery as it a little more difficult than scoliosis surgery witht he risks being slightly higher. So i left it be for 20 years then went back a couple of years of ago and got the same response. Never been measure so don't know what the curves are. I think theres a post somewhere with my full story. Surfice to say in a lot of pain most days but its been with me for all my life so its like a part of me. I have entered a really active phase of my life. I walk, climb and do the odd bit of mountaineering as well as run so i don't want any thing to disturb my fun time because apart from my family its really all i live for. So i have a lot of thinking to do as i need to weigh it all up. Along with all the other issues i have got going in my life at the minute lifes a bit of a struggle.

I don't know if i could take another rejection from a surgeon again either. The post code lottery that is the NHS has done me no favours what so ever

Thank you all for your kind words

It does mean a lot

mark

Simon
15th January 2008, 01:07 AM
Hi mark

You really sound as you have gone though the wars like i have am 33 now and this will be my first treatment in the next few weeks.................

I was diagnosed fobbed of for a number of yrs then gave in and left it......
Since between 2000 and 2007 i have been to so many places to discuss my back four specie
last and last year my kphosis measured 67 degress.
It long winded to go in to now ....
But i got sent to a great surgeon called mr williams at hope hospital manchester very laid back guy
(he is the president of the uk scolosis )

But has a special interest in kphosis and adult recrastrution surgery....
When i did see him he mesurerd me at 97 degree so time for surgery now

just a quick word about the hosiptal itself

The speacial spinal unit has just been voted 2 in the nhs trust guide over great britian ........and they have built a new 30 bed hdu unit just for spinal surgery plus a new jackson operating theartre table the only one in the country

They uset hem in the states but only hope hospital has brought one
so i would like to recoumend mr williamson or mr oxborrow or mr mohammed as they are the top class kyphosis/scoliosis surgeons working there to...............

This is the link to the doctors and the hospital take a little look and if you ever need to see a specilast then have a try with them .......

The link is on the next page mate

Simon
15th January 2008, 01:08 AM
http://www.srht.nhs.uk/patient--visitor-in...pinal-surgeons/ (http://www.srht.nhs.uk/patient--visitor-information/our-departments/spinal-services/spinal-surgeons/)


spinal surgens
Mr Richard Cowie, Consultant Neurosurgeon
Mr Cowie trained in Edinburgh. He has a wide spinal practice with a special interest in cervical spine problems
Mr Hassan Dashti, Consultant in Spinal Surgery
Mr Dashti is the most recent appointment to the department, having trained in Dundee, Manchester and the United States. He is trained to undertake a full range of spinal surgery, but has a special interest in spinal deformity.
Mr Kanna Gnanalingham, Consultant Neurosurgeon
Trained at Queen Square and has a special interest in lumbar spine surger
Mr Jeremy Holland, Consultant Neurosurgeon
Trained in Newcastle and has a special interest in cervical and lumbar spine surgery.
Mr Andrew King, Consultant Neurosurgeon
Trained in London He has a special interest in cervical spinal surgery.
Mr James Leggate, Consultant Neurosurgeon
Traied in Edinburgh. He has a special interest in cervical and vascular spinal surgery.
Mr Saeed Mohammad, Consultant in Spinal Surgery
Mr Mohammad trained in London and has a broad spinal practice. His special interest is cervical spine surgery
Mr Neil Oxborrow, Consultant in Spinal Surgery
Mr Oxborrow trained in Leeds and Manchester and has a special interest in spinal deformity. He undertakes a full range of spinal procedures.
Mr Raymond Ross, Consultant in Spinal Surgery
Mr Ross trained in Oswestry. His special interest is surgery of the lumbar spine.

Mr Brad Williamson, Consultant in Spinal Surgery

Mr Williamson trained in Manchester and Hong Kong. He is President of the British Scoliosis Society. Although his practice involves all aspects spinal surgery, his main interest is adult and paediatric reconstructive spinal surgery.

Simon
15th January 2008, 01:09 AM
The Spinal High Dependency Unit has been refurbished and extended to provide more beds, newer equipment and improved surroundings for patients.

The Trust has invested in new neuro navigation equipment which supports the treatment of patients with tumours.

A new microscope has been purchased which enables microsurgery to be performed with the benefit of shorter length of stay.

The Trust has a Jackson operating table which is the latest design to enable modern spinal surgery to be performed with 360 degree imaging.

Simon
15th January 2008, 01:11 AM
hope this help you in a little well

hope and luck to you mark

i will say a prayer for everyone tonight as its also the day my nan passed away so i will adding a prafer for all members of sos..........

mark
15th January 2008, 01:12 AM
Thankyou so much for those links Simon

So sorry to hear about your gran

my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time

Peace be with you

Mark

Simon
15th January 2008, 01:14 AM
anything mark

Takke care my friend and have a good read though......................

ps there waitng time are very short indeed at present you can click on to the link and look for your self

Simon
15th January 2008, 01:25 AM
Complex Spines 3 week wait thats outpaient

Spinal surgery 8 week wait for this is inpatent (If you need a op)

Seeking_help
15th January 2008, 03:35 AM
Originally posted by mark+Jan 14 2008, 11:46 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (mark @ Jan 14 2008, 11:46 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-sibowainwright@Jan 14 2008, 11:16 PM
Are you having your back treated mark............

What does your curve measure at the moment?????

Thankss for sharing your pics


Its a long story Simon, i was first assessed in the dim dark early 1980s when no one wanted to know, the tecniques weren't really there for kyphosis surgery as it a little more difficult than scoliosis surgery witht he risks being slightly higher. So i left it be for 20 years then went back a couple of years of ago and got the same response. Never been measure so don't know what the curves are. I think theres a post somewhere with my full story. Surfice to say in a lot of pain most days but its been with me for all my life so its like a part of me. I have entered a really active phase of my life. I walk, climb and do the odd bit of mountaineering as well as run so i don't want any thing to disturb my fun time because apart from my family its really all i live for. So i have a lot of thinking to do as i need to weigh it all up. Along with all the other issues i have got going in my life at the minute lifes a bit of a struggle.

I don't know if i could take another rejection from a surgeon again either. The post code lottery that is the NHS has done me no favours what so ever

Thank you all for your kind words

It does mean a lot

mark [/b][/quote]
Mark - your curve looks to be in excess of 90 degrees (maybe 100+?) - You would be definately a candidate for surgery. I have 90 degrees and the surgeon with out hesitation suggested the option of surgery.

IF you are unhappy - you owe it to yourself to explore your options. I really mean this.

Amazed Jean
15th January 2008, 04:48 AM
Mark, I cannot imagine the courage it must have taken you to post your photos. I am a full chickensh*t when cameras are around. I just don't want to be in them and even I don't look at me without tons of big clothes on. Thank you for the post. And I have to tell you I still bet I am your most twisted buddy. Incidentally those moles you have....I continue to get the damn things - I can feel them but I don't look at them either. Geez, I am an ostrich! Thanks again, Love and hugs, Jean

titch
15th January 2008, 11:10 AM
The other person that has to be worth considering is Mr Grevitt, considering what a marvellous surgery he did for John. Just don't be prepared to go with the postcode lottery again - if your GP won't refer you to someone who isn't local, then pay to go private, it's worth it to see the right person. Also, you can ask for a complete list of hospitals that they are allowed to immediately refer you to for orthopaedic treatment from your GP surgery manager. That would allow you to check who is where and know whether there is anyone local worth seeing (for example, Mr Cole would have been worth seeing wherever he was, when he moved on from QMC - you never know when someone really good may have moved to your local to essentially found a new department, or upgrade the existing one :-))

GillyG
15th January 2008, 05:13 PM
Mr Cole moved from QMC to Sheffield and now splits his time between the Northern General (where I had my surgery) and the Children's Hospital in Sheffield. He also has a website at:

www.sheffieldorthopaedics.com (still under revision at the moment)

where you can e-mail him to discuss your options. He's a very straight-talking, pleasant guy, I'm certain he wouldn't just fob you off.

I can understand your reluctance to be out-of-action for a while when it's your sporting activities that are helping to keep you sane, but I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Without treatment, a few years down the line you may be unable to carry on at the level you do now. Also, don't underestimate the impact that a negative self-image can have on your physical and mental well-being. I did, and I'm still astonished at the difference it has made to me.

You owe it to yourself to look into your options, it doesn't mean you have to choose the surgical route, even if it's offered.

Take care Mark.

Gilly xx

jfkimberly
15th January 2008, 05:48 PM
Mark, thank you for posting these pictures of your back. I know how much courage it took. And I feel guilty for continuing to not have the courage to do the same.

mark
17th January 2008, 11:52 PM
Thanks for your kind words and taking the time to have a look at the pictures.

If it only stops one parent from not pushing and seeking help and not taking no for an answer at the earliest time possible time then it is well worth the heartache it took to post them.

Any parents looking at these pictures all i can say is this what is what your child may look like 20 years down the line.

I'm no preacher and i wouldn't presume to tell anyone what to do all i am saying is don't take no for an answer, push, ask to be reffered somewhere else.

It did take a lot out of me posting these images. I read so many posts on this site about hating to catch glimses of themselves in side profile. I am the same, its only through coming to support sites like this one that you can relate to others and know that your not the only one out there looking like you do and the stories you have to tell are not unique theres others who been through the same.

I thought for 20 years i was the only one who looked like i do

mark

GillyG
18th January 2008, 12:27 AM
:squeeze: :squeeze: :squeeze:

jfkimberly
18th January 2008, 01:48 AM
Mark, I'm not the hugging type, but... *HUG* I understand exactly how you feel. SSO is a wonderful place. Makes me feel less alone and less "different".

jamielynn
18th January 2008, 01:49 AM
Im sorry mark, look on the bright side, we are all here together, for support :niceone:

Seeking_help
18th January 2008, 05:07 AM
Originally posted by mark@Jan 17 2008, 10:52 PM

I thought for 20 years i was the only one who looked like i do


You know, before this place - I thought the exact same thing for a good 10 years of my life. You're not alone - and you're not the only one with a big curve. You owe it to yourself to see a specialist. A lot of people here have helped me out in my short time here, including yourself.

The way I see it, don't focus on the past - focus on the future.

christine-1985
18th January 2008, 02:15 PM
markey baby u need 2 get seen b4 it duz somefink that cant be un dun and i no a man that is brillent mr harrison he opd on me and my curve was 101 every 1 is gunna say o my surgens the best ect but my case file was past and past mr h was the olny 1 that sed i will have a go he was the only 1 brave enuf

please mark if not for ur self then for ur lil baby girl

luv n huggies

christine-1985
18th January 2008, 02:26 PM
http://img37.picoodle.com/img/img37/4/1/18/t_SPA0012m_9cbcd9a.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/1/18/f_SPA0012m_9cbcd9a.jpg&srv=img37)wot i looked like b4

http://img31.picoodle.com/img/img31/4/1/18/t_Picture1m_116c81c.png (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/1/18/f_Picture1m_116c81c.png&srv=img31)x ray 101 degrese

http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/4/1/18/t_SPA0185m_efda73f.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/1/18/f_SPA0185m_efda73f.jpg&srv=img29)wot i look like now

http://img30.picoodle.com/img/img30/4/1/18/t_Picture3m_80eb774.png (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/1/18/f_Picture3m_80eb774.png&srv=img30)my new x ray

i no it nothin compared 2 u babe but please

jfkimberly
18th January 2008, 07:50 PM
Oh my, Christine... I'd never seen your before & after pics before. You got an incredible correction, didn't you? *envy* I hope you are as pleased with the results pain-wise as with the cosmetic results!

christine-1985
18th January 2008, 07:57 PM
yes and no

jfkimberly
18th January 2008, 07:59 PM
Hrm... no? It's only 3 months since your surgery, so hopefully you're just not recovered yet and that's what you're feeling. I do hope you feel as good as you look soon, though.

mark
20th January 2008, 01:52 AM
Moved from the kyphosis forum to the general to let people know what happens when curves get left to grow. My only wish is that parents will look at these pictures and dont take no for an answer

mark

mark
20th January 2008, 02:14 AM
Please, please explore all options available to you

jfkimberly
20th January 2008, 02:35 AM
Mark, I am so impressed by your willingness to share your pictures so openly. You are not allowed to have any more negative thoughts about yourself. You are an amazing person.

Sealy
20th January 2008, 04:34 AM
Mark,

I had no idea :hug: I truly hope something can be done to address your kyphosis. You don't want to leave it too long and have it deteriorate even further.

Sealy
20th January 2008, 04:35 AM
Christine,

Your correction is AMAZING!!!!! Who did your surgery????

jamielynn
20th January 2008, 04:38 AM
Mark,
I truly appreciate what you are doing.
I'm glad that someone is finally taking action and telling people not to ignore the issue.
You are truly a brave person,
Jamie

BeckyH
20th January 2008, 12:22 PM
Originally posted by Sealy@Jan 20 2008, 03:35 AM
Christine,

Your correction is AMAZING!!!!! Who did your surgery????
sealy, christine's surgery was done by Mr Harrison at the RNOH.

crkcallie
20th January 2008, 07:04 PM
Thank you for sharing these. :)

mark
21st January 2008, 12:44 AM
Hi Christine

Wow as like the others have said, what a fantastic correction you have. I hope the pain has started to subside and you can get back to living your normal life

mark

Sandman77
21st January 2008, 07:18 PM
Your brave for posting these pictures and I look up to a man that wants to help out to prevent such things to happen. Salut for that...

To me though Simon seems to know alot about a good Surgeon also an older man is here with severe Kyphoscoliosis and seems to do wonders with Schroth and has now a Kurbin Brace, so there are options for you to consider if you want to go that way... Good luck mate...

Lucy7
21st January 2008, 08:37 PM
Mark you continue to amaze us with your bravery and desire to help others. You have more strength of character and decency than most people have in their little finger. Thank you for posting this.

Christine, I am so excited to see your results. Seems like only yesterday you were about to go in. I hope the pain leaves you soon.

mark
11th March 2008, 08:55 AM
Going to the Docs on wednesday morning, hopefully get a referral to Mr Mike Gibson at the Freeman hospital in Newcastle, its only over the water and its the guy John first saw. I don't paticularly want to thave to travel all the Nottingham as its a pain to get to from this part of the country and John had good words to say about him.

John if you get to reaad this post can you drop me a pm or an e mail, thanks mate

mark

tonibunny
11th March 2008, 09:16 AM
Excellent, go for it Mark! I just found out how good it feels to find a consultant who really wants to help - the sheer relief is amazing. I really hope that this guy can help you, I'm sure that he will. Good luck :squeeze: PS you do know that you're gorgeous even if you have a wonky back, don't you? Love you xxxx

GillyG
11th March 2008, 07:28 PM
Originally posted by mark@Mar 11 2008, 07:55 AM
I don't paticularly want to thave to travel all the Nottingham as its a pain to get to from this part of the country and John had good words to say about him.

I'm sure you'll get a positive response from Mr Gibson, it sounds as though he comes well recommended. But - just in case you need a second opinion - don't forget Sheffield isn't TOO far away!

titch
11th March 2008, 11:54 PM
don't forget Sheffield isn't TOO far away!
Yup, and Mr Cole definitely knows his way around a pedicle subtraction osteotomy, even when doing it with an anterior rod in the way!!

Anyway, hope it all goes ok with the referral :-)

mark
12th March 2008, 10:49 AM
Had a good chat with my GP, he is going to refer me to Mike Gibson at the Freeman hospital in Newcastle. I should recieve a letter shortly

My journey starts again

tonibunny
12th March 2008, 02:31 PM
Fantastic Mark! :squeeze:

sins
12th March 2008, 03:11 PM
I'm very happy to hear you've finally gotten a referral to someone who's appropriately experienced.By the way, I found your old pics of your back that you sent to me four years ago.Want them to comapre?
Sins

mark
12th March 2008, 03:19 PM
Yes please Sinead, you can either e mail me them or put them in the picture gallery i started in this forum

Thanks Sinead

Mark

sins
12th March 2008, 03:27 PM
They're in the picture gallery at the start of your thread mark
Sins

mark
12th March 2008, 03:38 PM
thanks sinead

Wow look at the hair, its amazing what you do to yourself in the name of fashion.

Amazed Jean
12th March 2008, 06:33 PM
Mark, I am really happy for you. How's your depression and general health? Please take care of yourself. You are going to need to be strong for whatever they decide to do!

GillyG
12th March 2008, 08:22 PM
Brilliant news Mark :D Hope all goes well for you.

(I much prefer the longer-haired Mark BTW!!!)

Simon
12th March 2008, 08:26 PM
I have posted about this in our blue room mark

Fantastis fantastic your on the road i know you have them nhs feelings from a long time ago but its changed since then go go go go for it mate.

You hand the otheres have been our inspiration and we will be yours mate

Mike
12th March 2008, 09:43 PM
Hi Mark,

been reading your posts on this thread and the bullying thread, and others. I've said it before in a reply to someone and I'll say it again...you and everyone that goes forward to get themselves "straightened out" display such courage in doing so. Not just the surgury, but in your daily lives leading up to it and after.

Those people that have made your lives a misery by their attitudes towards you really don't have 1/10th of the backbone (no pun intended) that you all display. And you are all so willing to help and support each other regardless of what you yourselves are going through.

Truly humbling.

Hope all goes well when you see the Consultant in Newcastle. :rox:

mark
12th March 2008, 11:59 PM
Thanks for all your support people

I wouldn't be able to go through all this over again without you lot

To tell you the truth perversly i am kind of glad that i am a little on the wonky side because if i wasn't i would not have met you lovely people

Love to you all

mark

Amazed Jean
13th March 2008, 05:38 AM
Mark, Just don't get to un-wonky. Some of us that are permanently wonkified don't want you to get all hot and sexy looking and then forget about us! You know I enjoy being your twisted sister!

mark
13th March 2008, 09:00 AM
I'm here for the long haul Jean don't worry about that

I couldn't ever imagine not coming here

Its a part of my life

Mark

GillyG
13th March 2008, 01:50 PM
Originally posted by mark@Mar 12 2008, 10:59 PM

To tell you the truth perversly i am kind of glad that i am a little on the wonky side because if i wasn't i would not have met you lovely people

Phew, Mark, you don't know how relieved I was when I read that, I thought I was the only weirdo who felt that way :squeeze:

Phoenix
13th March 2008, 09:46 PM
How did you get on Mark?

mark
13th March 2008, 10:41 PM
Hi Phoenix

I got a referal to the surgeon who is nearest to me and has experience in kyphosis surgery.

I had a really good gps appointment and he is realy supportive of me and that is half the battle so if this avenue gets clossrd he's willing to refer me else where

He's a really cool dr he listens takes in and understands

mark

GillyG
14th March 2008, 12:11 AM
Fantastic news Mark :D Especially that he will refer you elsewhere if this doesn't happen to turn out as you would like - but I'm sure it will. I think you are on your way now....

:D :squeeze: :D

Amazed Jean
14th March 2008, 04:58 AM
Oh Mark, I am so thrilled for you. I hoped that you would have a positive appointment. A doctor that listens - amazing! You deserve someone good. Congratulations and what's next and when?

mark
14th March 2008, 08:50 AM
Just have to wait for the consultants appointment letter to land on the door mat. Hopefully it won't be too long in coming

Lucy7
15th March 2008, 02:40 AM
Fab news Mark!!

I also want to know how your general health is these days. I agree with Jean (I can't think of a time I haven't agreed with Jean BTW) you need to be in the best health possible so please be sure to take care of yourself.

Just know we'll be with you every inch of every step of the way.

:squeeze: :squeeze: :squeeze: :squeeze: :squeeze:

Lucy

mark
15th March 2008, 09:03 AM
Hi Lucy, generally my health is good, got a few issues i need to get right with my head

Thanks for the support you and everyone else has given me it is truly appreciated

You take care of yourself

mark

jfkimberly
17th March 2008, 04:54 AM
Mark, I've been a bit preoccupied the last week or two, and I'm only slowly catching up with SSo, so I'm just getting around to responding to this thread... but YAY! I'm so glad to hear you're getting evaluated to see what your options are! I hope you get good news. Best of luck. You deserve it.

Phoenix
17th March 2008, 11:26 PM
That's good news about the GP - supportive ones are hard to find - I sometimes feel the battle begins the moment you sit in front of them. With his support I'm sure the referral process will run smoothly.

Best of luck.

Amazed Jean
18th March 2008, 03:36 AM
Mark, Don't mess too much with that head. I like your sometimes wonky sense of humor.

mark
19th March 2008, 12:11 AM
Ahh jean you hurt me, you mean my humour is only funny sometimes :-D :evil: :-D

Amazed Jean
19th March 2008, 12:19 AM
No, no, no Mark, I love your humor all the time - it's just that it's only wonky some times so only us real wonkies get it other times it's plain old fall on the floor, laughing out loud funnny that any one would get. You know Mark we have to be careful. We wouldn't want anyone else to know how twisted humor can get!

mark
19th March 2008, 10:44 PM
Your right Jean, Twisted brothers and sisters unite

Little Ali
20th March 2008, 11:20 PM
Yay! I'm so pleased you're finally being referred! Well done for going to your GP and I really hope the consultant helps you out. You really deserve it!

Sending you love and :squeeze:

mark
23rd March 2008, 12:15 AM
Thanks Alison, and how are you i hope everything is going well in your life and your getting back to some normallity after your surgery

mark

alyssa
25th March 2008, 02:40 AM
Mark!

Any news? I am dying to hear when you've got an appointment through. You are such a brave guy. I love ya dude!

I know my scoliosis wasn't nearly as bad as your kyphosis but I was always too embarased to take my top off in the changing room in sports because I had these deformities (Scoliosis AND Sternum deformity where your chest is sunken - BADLY) I was bullied in school and I think that's part of the reason I became depressed and so stressed. I felt like, a freak, just hated myself for being so gross and just wished I would be physically normal and so then I would be able to be mentally normal, y'know.

I had the Scoliosis operated on in 2006 and the Pectus deformity operated on 31st Jan this year (still in healing period). I am extremely pleased with my results. I am lucky to have had such amazingly understanding doctors. I wish you all the best in that too. I am sure your specialist will be willing to help you. You deserve it! You mean a lot to us here on SSo, don't forget that.
If you ever need/want to, then just drop me a PM and we'll have a natter.

Let us know *hugs*xxx

Lyssie

sara1
25th March 2008, 07:28 AM
Thats brill news mark, hope your appointment with consultant goes well. Cant wait to see what he has to say,


Take care

Sara
x

Sarah
25th March 2008, 04:49 PM
Hi Mark hope the appointment comes through soon enough & the doc is as helpful as the gp was for referring you :-) .

Thanks for posting the pics & it shows how the kyphosis is compared to the scoliosis. I still will not put mine on though, I would, but the scars just to nasty on my curve from my kyphosis op for me to want to put on it might scare someone :-o .

mark
13th April 2008, 11:23 PM
Still not heard about the referal, its been a few years since i been at this stage. Can anyone tell me how long it is from the gp visit until the visit to the consultant, its been about 3 weeks and i havent heard anything, should i ring, i hate to cause a fuss or create. i feel so guilty about such things

GillyG
14th April 2008, 12:05 AM
I was about 4 months from GP to actual appointment date, but I think the new initiatives mean you should be seen within 14 weeks. I suppose it depends on how far in advance the clinic books appointments as to when you'll get the actual letter. It wouldn't hurt to just phone and ask if they've received the referral OK, then you could casually ask about how long you might have to wait. That's exactly what I'm planning to do next week about my son's appointment with Mr Cole ...

Kentish
14th April 2008, 02:51 AM
4 months sounds about right for a referal if you're not already on the books. But calling would be good just to find out from them how long the wait is and of course to make sure they have received the referal.

Simon
14th April 2008, 09:58 AM
It was a bout 4 mths for me mate

Give them a quick ring and just inquire to see if your in the system yet as it would put your mind at rest if you knew that the hospital have the referall letter in there system and if they do just ask them what the waiting time is mate.

You have to keep pushing them otherwise it might be at the bottom of the surgeons pile of letters to look though no harm in ringing mate ....

alyssa
14th April 2008, 01:22 PM
I agrees, Mark, you should just ring and ask if you are in their system yet and how long the waiting list is and where you are in it. There is not any harm in doing so, my friend.

For me it was about 4 months as well but that doesn't mean to say you can't get an appointment sooner than 4 months. I say just ring. G'luck =))

Amazed Jean
14th April 2008, 06:17 PM
Yep. Mark you need to give them a call. Why wait if you can bother them into doing something faster? Get irate if you have to. Waiting Sucks.

mark
17th April 2008, 01:26 AM
Yes i know i hate bugging people thought. Thats probably why i landed up in this position in the first place. Its just not in my nature to push things especially when it comes to my back On th eplus side i told my manager she would hopefully be loosing me for 6 months sometime this year. She was very understanding, didnt say too much but she said i would get all the time off i needed in the meantime if i need anything just go and see her

Amazed Jean
17th April 2008, 01:47 AM
Mark, This is your most twisted friend speaking. Pick up the damn phone and call and bother them! You deserve to get things done quickly. Stop feeling like you are undeserving of good answers on a timely basis. The people that answer the phone get paid to answer questions and get things done for you. Think of it as helping them keep their jobs. I don't mean for you to be a jerk to them but insist on answers. Once you do it you will be empowered. You have been around long enough to know about the squeaky wheel being the one that gets oiled. Waiting sucks. I swear if I lived there I would do it for you. (I have become a pushy old broad but it's worth it!) Sending you a kick in the butt and a hug of course!

mark
17th April 2008, 01:57 AM
Yes your right Jean, as is usually the case i need a rocket in the butt (or the odd flying monkey). I suppose i could use the hug too thanks for being refreshingly succinct, to the point and downright honest in your appraisal. You are beyond wisdom Jean, i'm gonna pick the phone up next week should i not hear anything in the next couple of days

Amazed Jean
17th April 2008, 08:22 PM
And if you think for one minute that I am happy about that - you don't know me. What's the matter with this week? I mean , the sooner you do it, the sooner you can get over it. Just call. I will give you until Monday and then by God you had better have it all llined out! My new Flying monkeys shirt has given me the power to lauch them by the dozen and right up your shorts they will fly. Love, Jean

mark
17th April 2008, 11:42 PM
Jean, your worse than me mother (thats the highest honor i could ever bestow on anyone), your right as usual, thanks

Keep the monkeys flying

Love to you, allan and the family

Mark

mark
18th April 2008, 03:45 PM
Well got some good news and some bad news

Got a letter today telling me that i will get another letter giving me 4 weeks notice of the consultation but they ddidnt say how long it would take to get the letter out that gives me 4 weeks notice.

If any of that makes sense

Hee Hoo its a step forward so hopefully it won't take them long to get me on the bottom rung of the ladder.

I suppose sending out all tese letters of intent enables them to meet targets they have been set by the government to get waiting lists down. Whats ironic is the waiting lists stay the same and a few extra trees get killed so the NHS can send out meaningless bits of paper telling you very litttle

Must keep on smiling

mark

Amazed Jean
18th April 2008, 06:35 PM
hMMM? For starters You had better be telling me the truth.
I still think you ought to call on Monday and tell them that there letter is hogwash. You might say the rest of what you said in your last post. Tell them to stop wasting paper and arrange an appointment for you because you are in severe pain. Mark, I am DEAD serious - It is time to take the bull by the horns and get this done. You have to act before the depression gets in your soul again. Tell them that. You know I love your twisted mind as well as your twisted body! I want the very best for my twisted brother and I want it NOW.

mark
18th April 2008, 06:45 PM
I wish i was joking Jean the letter goes much like this

We have recieved a referral letter from your dr asking us to arrange for you to be seen in the musculo skeletal unit outpatients department

I am writing to you to inform you that you will be under the care of Mr. Gibsonwho has seen your referral letter from your drand has requested that we arrange a non urgent appointment for you to see him or a member of his team

The trust opersates an appointment system that enables you to chooose a clinic date hat suits you. Mr Gibson usually holds clinic on tuesday mornings. We will write to you 4 weeks before your appointment is due and ask you contact our appointments booking centre to arrange a convenient appointment.

If your circumstances have changed would you please contact us and if your condition has deteriated you should contact your own dr

Amazed Jean
18th April 2008, 06:58 PM
OK That letter is a pile of crap! Don't let them treat you like that. Your circumstances HAVE changed! You are getting worse! You don't need out patient anything. Call your own docotr and tell him about your depression brought on by your spine. Tell him you normally wouldn't push but you need to do something soon! ( In real people time not when they get their ducks in a row) You now are adrift and need them to help you by facilitating a better and quicker response! I love ya, you big goof and I swear I am going to have to start giving Pain in the Ass lessons!

GillyG
18th April 2008, 07:17 PM
What a strange way to go on ...

I think it would be worth giving them a ring to say you've received the letter but were wondering approximately how long it might be before the 4 week letter will be sent out since your pain is worsening and becoming very difficult/impossible for your GP to get it under control. Try to work out how long it's been so far since your GP wrote the referral, add on the 4 weeks you'll wait after the next letter arrives and see how close to 13 weeks it is!!

They are supposed to be working towards a 13 week target from GP referral to appointment, I've posted a link with the info - it's always good to have a bit of ammunition ...

nhs waiting times (http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_083816)

Simon
18th April 2008, 10:37 PM
I got a letter with really the same wording and i phoned up asking them how long his clinic waiting time is ........

I think
1 you need to phone and ask what is his outpatient waiting time (mr gibson)

2 Please check that mr gibson deals in scoliosis and kyphosis as gp refer you to any ortho doctor from there hospital handbook...as if hes not you will have to go though the whole process again so get on the phone and ask to speak to mr gibsons secutery and ask the question ....

3 you can always go back to your gp and say your pain is getting worse and ask him to write another letter asking mr gibson for a urgent appointment as you have a non urgent appointment the gp should do that for you no reason why he would not .....

4 please phone phone phone and keep on at them as you gey no were waiting for them to act ....

I hope this helps and you dont mind me saying what i have .....

Thaleias spirit
18th April 2008, 11:00 PM
It sounds like a standard letter advising you that a) they have receiceived your referal letter and who you've been appointed to see. The fact that your doctor sems to have requested a non-urgent appointment for you is why they have they taken these steps. I can only think that they work this way is so that emergency appointments are scheduled first, plus they can also schedule any meetings etc and see what times are left? I know I've received a letter for my next appointment last week but I have to ring them 48hrs beforehand to ensure that I can make the appointment (obviously I would ring beforehhand if the date wanst suitable).

It would seem that your first step is to ask your gp to contact them to change your appointment to that of an urgent nature. Because if you ring the actual consultants secretary she can only work on the information already given to her and would just refer you back otherwise ...

But please first thing Monday ring your gp and explain this to him. I know you find it difficult to talk about it but unfortuneatly unless you can let your dr see how urgent this is for you to be seen sooner rather than later then well no one is going to rush an appointment through for you.

alyssa
21st April 2008, 11:29 PM
Mark, first of all you need to ring the secretary of the Dr, and tell them that you are in pain and tell them to give you an apointment as soon as they can. Ring every monday morning if need be!

Let me tell you this: When I was being refered to a surgeon, I kept on being pushed to the back of the list as I wasn't an urgent case I was ment to be seeing a Mr O'Dowd but we rang literally every monday morning and as Mr O'Dowd wouldn't see me quickly, Mr Lam agreed to see me as we were on the phone every week until they gave me an apointment and he is a specialist in scoliosis also. I couldn't be happier with my surgeon.

I promise you if you keep quiet you will keep getting pushed to the back of the list, like me, so kick their arses into shape and don't take no for an answer. Sorry Mark but it's had to be said, I care about you and you deserve to be seen by the right people who can help you with your kyphosis and so you can finally do something about it!

all the best Mark,

Love Lyssie x

alyssa
26th April 2008, 12:59 PM
is that ure xrays simon??????????? wooooooooooooooow.

alyssa
26th April 2008, 01:00 PM
what happened?

Simon
26th April 2008, 01:05 PM
yea am trying to uload them without suscess

mark
2nd May 2008, 09:34 AM
Did you get sorted Simon ?

mark

alyssa
16th May 2008, 10:35 PM
Hey Mark, heard anything yet???... if not give them a call... please mark you deserve it more than anyone I know.

Love and hugs from Guildford x lol x

mark
16th May 2008, 10:42 PM
Hi thanks for the post Alyssa

nah i havent heard anything yet

i'm on the rollercoaster though

i just hope the journey ends where i want it to

thanks for asking

mark

GillyG
16th May 2008, 10:57 PM
Time for a bit of chasing up methinks, Mark. You seem to have been waiting ages ...

mark
10th June 2008, 05:45 PM
Got a date for my referral

22nd of July

Only a month to wait

mark

cork_lass
10th June 2008, 06:10 PM
Great news Mark. I wish you the best of luck. I'm so happy that you have taken the steps to improve your life.
Well done:)

GillyG
10th June 2008, 10:39 PM
Got a date for my referral

22nd of July

Only a month to wait

mark


OMG at last! the time will fly Mark - start writing that list of questions! :D

alyssa
11th June 2008, 01:01 PM
Gilly's right, the time will go so quickly! And before you know it it's the next day... get writing Mark! xx haha

mark
11th June 2008, 08:04 PM
Should i mention at the consultation that my mental state is not the best at the minute and i am a little underweight, well 8 stone 4 pounds, will i have to put on more weight before they operate (thats assuming that i am a candidate).

What am saying is should i mention it before they ask if i'm on medication and i say yes, they say o what medication and i say prozac and so on and so on

mark

GillyG
11th June 2008, 08:52 PM
I think it might be quite a good way of starting the conversation actually, to mention the previous knockbacks you've had from uncaring consultants (maybe put a little more subtley than that :p) and how that, combined with the pain, have caused you to suffer with depression. Might make him take you a bit more seriously than the others have, if he realises the enormous impact it has had on your life?

alyssa
12th June 2008, 01:13 PM
I agree with Gilly, tell them of the previous consultants you've had who have been horrible to you and unhealpful and tell them how much pain you're in and you've recently gone on Prozac because of the distress that the pain and everything is causing you. Write it all down Mark, so you're prepared.
Do you know the name of the consultant you're seeing yet or not?
xx

Amazed Jean
12th June 2008, 10:02 PM
Mark, I am thrilled for you! I wish I could go with and give you courage on that day. I always chicken out on the actual day and decide to not deal with it. Then Allen drags me out anyway so I wish I could help you. Keep us posted!Love ya, Jean

mark
13th June 2008, 02:36 PM
I wish i could take you all with me

:bow:

alyssa
24th June 2008, 08:38 PM
You'll be okay Mark, promise.

xx

Jimbo
24th June 2008, 10:24 PM
I wish i could take you all with me

:bow:

:gvibes::gvibes::gvibes: everyone'll be thinking of you so it'll be kinda like were all there. :gvibes::gvibes: :gvibes:

crkcallie
30th June 2008, 03:24 AM
Thanks for posting these pictures.

mark
1st July 2008, 11:31 AM
I am getting a bit gittery lately, i have been looking at the pictures again and sometimes i am horrified and think FREAK and others i am thinking well it don't look all that bad. I then think surgery,surgery, surgery and then think about what i might have to give up and sacrifice if i do get offered surgery.

confused, confused, confused, rational, not so rational, down right irrational, rational, happy, sad, happy,

GillyG
1st July 2008, 10:08 PM
Oh Mark, I remember those feelings so well ...

The hardest bit for me was having to keep everything bottled up as I daren't let the family know how worried I was or they'd have totally freaked! I felt I had to retain the persona of the cool, calm mum, yet inside I was screaming. How I wish I'd known you all then ...

Amazed Jean
3rd July 2008, 05:01 AM
Mark, Don't you dare start second guessing yourself. Go. Get seen. They aren't going to do anything that day. Just take in what you are going to hear and then we will help you deal with it.

Orla
4th July 2008, 06:55 PM
Good luck mark:)

mark
4th July 2008, 11:30 PM
What if he says no, can't face another rejection, don't know how to start the consultation off, started before with cosmetic issues got laughed out of the surgery, was only 14, had to go back to school crushed, made me feel like i was, was a complete freak, back to the bullying, another 4 years day and night, couldn't escape my skin and bones, kids can be so cruel, teenage years are supposed to be the best, couldn't wait to get mine over

started another consultation with breathing issues, got sent of to the lung function clinic with another flea in my ear, don't you know how lucky you are son, youll end up in a wheelchair, your not bent double, come back when your 60 and bent double i'll sort you out then, another crushing, visit, pain, nervous break down, pain, physical, psycological, pain, anxiety, can't take another crushing,

Its easy to give the support, think of others, takes mind from own problems, comes to your own health, panic, panic, panic. Then the pain, dull ache, 20 years +, acute pain, feels like someones set fire to your back 20 years +, then you think, then wish you hadn't thought because you feel guilty, youv've always been told there's worse people out there, think yourself lucky your just a hunch back, nice coming from someone with a straight spine, then guilt because yes there is people worse of, they made you feel guilty, nice one thanks, now i'm in pain, my minds gone and you just made me feel guilty so anxiety levels have gone through the roof, cheers, no sleep, ain't slept for a month, anxious, nervous, guilty, guilty, nervous, anxious, forgot what normal feels like. Freak, feel like a freak, again, catch a side view in the mirror

Feel sick, then remember not eating food probably got a touch of anorexia, having strong thoughts of making myself sick, yes i know playing with fire only weigh 8 stone, gonna get burned, do i wanna get burned, feel like the junky who is only smoking contemplating using the needle, wrong forum i know, sorry, please


just how do i start the visit,

please help

mark

GillyG
5th July 2008, 12:17 AM
Mark, print this page and give it to the consultant. He really needs to know about the earlier rejections and just what a massive psychological effect they have had on you. You won't face another rejection I'm sure. Things have come a long way in surgery techiques and instrumentation, more and more consultants are willing to give adults a chance now. And if this surgeon isn't one of them, I'll personally drag you to see Mr Cole!

Seriously though Mark, you need to give him the full story. If that's too hard to talk about, or you worry about becoming tongue-tied, hand him a printout of your story so far, your worries, your feelings. The worst part is breaking the ice. Once he knows your history, you'll have plenty to talk about!

mark
5th July 2008, 12:38 AM
Almost forgot, how could you forget, you had it drummed into you every day, stand up straight, stop slouching, shoulders back, well i was, am standing up straight, i'm not slouching, whats slouching anyway, whats straight, when you never been straight, how are you supposed to know what straight is, shoulders back, back where, wheres back.

Then crowds, never in the middle, always at the edge, back to wall, sat in rows always at the back, don't want to stand up, feel everyones eyes burning in back, hear the sniggers, are they laughing at me, shrink, go red, can't breathe want to get out

phew

Tries to remember teenage years, then remembers, memory banks wiped, then remembers why, start trembling,

where's this going, i have no idea

sorry

Amazed Jean
5th July 2008, 08:38 AM
Mark, I swear you are my male counterpart or alter ego . Freak, Freak Freak, Freaky thing. Even one of my college friends mother thought that. I called to talk to Barb. Her mother answers and calls out to Barb without covering the phone, "Hey it's that freaky thing from school. For the love of Mike, that incident was over 35 years ago. I still hear it every single day. Walking down the hall in high school 2 guys behind me talking about a game show I should try out for . It's called "I Got a Hunch". Some kid driving by over 15 years ago. I am out watering the grass, "Hey Hunchback, How's Notre Dame'. Why don't I forget them? Could I just lose these things someday? I swear someday I am going to find someone to hypnotize me and tell me to just leave it go. I don't think I will ever want to let someone take a photo of me. I always hide in the back of the crowd with wall behind me. I pretend to be sick so I won't have to go somewhere new. So you see my friend you must see that you are not alone. Think of me and I'll go with you to the appointments. I have missed my time to make things better. It was very difficult to find that out. You all being here helped. Mark, NO MATTER WHAT, we will be with you. Screw everyone that ever said one of these hurtful things.

mark
5th July 2008, 10:05 AM
Used to think why me, GOD why me, once remember discussing why me, again told son theres a lot worse out there be a man, think i was around 16, guilt again more guilt, thinking back i was made to feel a lot of guilt for something that is and was completly out of my control, be a man, your having a laugh i was a boy, entitled to a little self pity, entitled to be a boy, entitled to be, whatever i wanted to be, too young to be a man,

why do boys feel they have to be men, there's another debate, boyhood full of darkness, wanting sleep, the big sleep, northern males aren't allowed to feel, talk, discuss feelings, got to be a man, no one to talk to nowhere to turn, statistically speaking young northern males don't talk they just commit suicide, i'm one of the lucky ones (sic), i made it, many don't, feel lucky, strange thought, i don't feel lucky, was i cowered as well, back then, sat there with a razor blade in the bath, thought about it lots, even got as far as writing a note once, burn't it, felt guilty for writing it, felt guilty for not having the courage to do it

jesus, why, where, how did someone manage to make me this way, why are people so cruel, why are boys asked to be men, grow up, used to here that a lot, was i not growing up, yes, i was growing up, differently, yes very differently, no one to talk to but myself, had friends, good friends but who at that age is suitably developed to discuss something so dark, so make lots of boxes, bury those boxes, lock em away, throw away the key, except the keys not been thrown away just hidden, and sometimes found and the pain starts all over again

GOD now theres a theological debate i don't think we should have here but surfice to say i am and have been for as long as i can remember a devout atheist. Why make me in this image, i'm the only one, perhaps chosen, chosen for what, ridicule and self loathing, o that self loathng extending into self pity and yet more guilt, spiralling in a world of hurt and loneliness, no wonder i'm so militant in my unbelieving.

You might be thinking why these posts, don't know, its cathartic (sp), getting it of my chest, why, doesn't make me feel any straighter, maybe i never grew out of that 16 year old,comfortable, like an old pair of slippers,

Asked above where's this going still don't know another day dawned and i woke up, from the hour or so's sleep, do i want to get up, did i want to wake up, no, probably not

crkcallie
6th July 2008, 04:48 AM
Hi Mark. That looks like it really hurts. Thanks for sharing these pictures with us. I also want to post some pictures of my back to show you all what it looks like.

Mark, do you wear any kind of baggy clothing so that your back is not as noticible to others?

Patricia
6th July 2008, 03:08 PM
Stay strong Mark - have an idea of what you want to get out of your appointment with the consultant. Maybe do a bit of research on who the person is you are seeing. Whenever I go to the doctors about something I always take a list of questions with me, as otherwise I know I'm bound to forget the really important ones :doh:

mark
7th July 2008, 10:43 PM
The things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to keep alive. Words are like knives, they peel my skin and pierce my soul, blame myself, there goes my life, passing by, it's been so long, sometimes I wonder how I stay strong, no sleep tonight, my body aches, and it hurts to say I wish that I weren't here tonight, this is my life. So strange how everything went wrong so fast, I hope that this confusion doesn't last, i'm hoping these words aren't too little too late.

Yesterday around 4.AM, I thought about you, I feel so lonely, just emptiness and memories, I get so destracted, self destructive, destructive by some peoples reactions, when they see me, can i feel them seeing me, in me i certainly see them seeing me, thinking my thoughts, i know they can read my mind, they read my mind, definately read my mind, are they seeing darkness, desperation, its dark, just like a steven king novel playing out in my tiny mind, some say, i try to say, the desperate times are over now, i hope to god they are right, too tired. Yet still I weaken, it tears me apart, have to learn to trust whats deep inside but when you can't find whats so deep inside. Isn't it great to then find that you're really worth nothing, ziltch, sqwat, zip, nowt,

Ten thousand times I scream over and over, hoars, no voice, tears stained dry, all cried out as Alison Moyet once sang, went to see Alison, she was fantastic, really unique strong voice, but that doesn't answer the question of where are the pictures, i think i put them aside in boxes, yes boxes ten thousand boxes for no one else to see, buried so deep, so many locks, why, i'm afraid of what they might say,what they say, so afraid, so then, then i posted, posted them and this terribly large thread developed, and i became self indulgant.

was it right, is it right, am i right, i'm awake but still dreaming, do i take your time up, consumed as said in self indulgance, self pity, self hate, freak, that word freak again, tell me, please, how many hearts will die tonight, i guess i will find out, 15 odd days to go, 22nd, 22 is that a lucky number, its two 2s, symetrical. All I know is my body hurts, aches with pains, i so much wish that i wasn't here tonight, i said it before, i talked about it and it don't help, didn't help, how can it help, do i need help, answer honestly, yes i think i do, seeing a counsellor thursday, its got to help, i need it to help, it must help, if it doesn't i'm in trouble, a lot of trouble, but this is my life, its what i know, its all i know, i will see you again, i know it, feel it, but can't help wishing, wishing lots of wishes

Through the night it seemed that you were with me, but now you aren't, what are my dreams meant to be, where are they, where do they go, I’m flying all alone, solo, am i alone, i know i'm I’m afraid of sleeping cause of the way this haunts me, do you know that haunting feeling, is it in you, do you feel as i do, i feel i'm falling, I fall, I fall again, I falter, then i'm faltering, fighting, and its frightning, drifting, yes drifting, drifted i honestly think i will find you, hopefully I'll find you before I drift away, the bl**dy things we do, the things we do just to stay alive, stay alive, i wish i could just get it right

I pray to stars, see the stars, feel the stars, can they help me get by, bye, bye, someone once said can i have you, can i be you, i once said much the same, then i forget, tried to forget tried find life, found it, guess what its empty, now your in and out of doubt, doubt o the doubt, where art thy doubt, your always lurking, skulking, sulking, in my heart, in my head, I'll get back, but when, who knows, i'm so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong in a box, where's that box, i don't know, i do know there's 10 thousand of them, you can't miss 10 thousand boxes, CAN YOU.

GillyG
8th July 2008, 12:02 AM
Mark, you blow me away. Even in the midst of your depression and confusion you are so poetic, so special ..

mark
8th July 2008, 12:55 AM
I got lots of words inside, so many words, trying to fight there way out this little dyslexic head of mine, my trains coming, its been a running all my life, been spending a lot of time in disguise, someone else, anyone else, but me, for pity's sake,

I love the sunset, love the sunrise, but hate everything inbetween, trying to wonder why i'm running, where am i running to, who am i running from, been up for days, trying to find a way to write it all down, tonights the night, its all coming, like a river,

Do i feel guilty, should i feel guilt, have i commited a crime worthy of this prison. Whats the sentence, indeterminate, yes, indeterminate, terminally long. For what crime, breathing, yes i got natural life,

Am i breaking down, have i broken down, last time i broke down i jumped on the first train out of town, only got to Darlington, should have got further, a lot further, i should have got further, i couldn't even run away properly, i got as far as valium, thats as far as i got, valium the joyous madness of valium, 140mgs of madness, sadness, badness.

I wish i could disapear, run away from all my fears, i promise i won't cry, i can't close my eyes, why, why, why, a haunted man unable to out run his ghost, need to stay alive

There's those people searching, searching, what for, a better life, whats a good life, walking round staring at the floor because backs so bent its difficult to see straight. Don't come to me, let me go in peace, minds racing, instead of valium its prozac,

Why is it mans best party only happens after he dies, why do we celebrate the dead, pay our respects, searching our souls, could we have done more, what could we have done, searched for the light, where's the light, why not celebrate his life in life, is someone coming to save my life, my miserable life, is it worth saving.

Where do we begin, where to begin where all just waiting, waiting to die, theres got to be a better place, a place full of innocence and mystery, somewhere there's no need to rush, break me down, slowly, ever so slowly, feed me, feel me, see me but promise me one thing, do it slowly.

Easily destracted, school reports said easily distracted, pleasant kid but easily led, dam right, looking for acceptance, longing for that acceptance, as much i ever could i found some acceptance, it wasn't all s*1*, found somewhere to rest my weary heart

Sticks and stones will break my bones but calling names will bury me, bury me deep, no don't bury me, let my ashes blow in the wind, out in the storm, yes i love a good storm, nothing to fear from a good storm, i'm not where i belong, i don't feel belonging, well not strictly true, feel belonging here, but i'm not talking about here, shine a light, guide me back, yes i need a guiding light, to bring me back, back into the light, warmth, feel love

I'm walking away from my mind, i need my mind, i need to get out of that disguise, one day i will, i'm sure i will, sunset, sunrise and everything in between, learn to love it

I just need to get back onto that train, back on the tracks, ride the rails, slow down son learn to walk before running, always was impatient, i need to keep driving, yes thats it keep driving, and i will see you again, yes, it may be a longtime, but i will see you, again, we meet, we will meet, i will meet you, one day, so much time, lots of time,

Louisse
8th July 2008, 09:40 AM
Hi Mark
I've been reading your posts and know that at this time you are struggling. I just wanted to say hang on in there, and I hope these feelings soon pass. I wish you well for your session on Thursday with the councellor - you are brave to be facing these things - yes, you really are. We all are or have been touched by this thing labelled 'depression', it is truly a difficult part of life, but you are one great guy from what I have read of your posts.You have been so, so supportive and caring in your posts to everyone on this board you must now accept some of the comfort being given by others - are you sharing this with your family I wonder? (I hope so).
I looked back at some old posts and looked at your photos of you trekking up the mountain - amazing, so brave and courageous - take another look and see what wonders you have seen and done.
Take care. Louissex

mark
8th July 2008, 09:04 PM
Woke up this morning, i thought i'd got freedom, god dam shame i can't help myself to find that freedom, by half past ten my head was going ding dong ringing like a bell down to my toes, last night i was flying but today so low, ain't it times like these that make you wonder if you'll ever know the meaning.

Was listening to some old rave stuff from back in the day, came across, this baleric anthem, Sweet Harmony, The Beloved, had to share the lyrics with you

let's come together
right now
oh yeah
in sweet harmony

might seem a little cheesy when al we seem to do is take, take, take, but back in the day, o the innocence, or was it, blissed, yes, it was definately blissed out, was it all too blissed, did something get a little fried, probably, where invincible when where young, or ar we, is this where it all started to go wrong, the second summer of love, and all the things that went along with it, who knows

mark
8th July 2008, 09:57 PM
not falling, simply waiting, fading at the edges, sitting back, thinking there's little point in moving, smiling, his stars are friendly, anything can be done, shall we get very drunk, high, stay alive, It's the best thing, the only thing I know, another sunset, was it good, hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me, stop me thinking stop me hoping for more than I am, why do I want more than good looks, cause i never had em, do i just want grey books, no, i ant the good looks, brought up with higher expectations, failure, couldn't fulfil, disapointment, i wanted more than i could give, it wasn't enough, i'm sorry, but i just concentrated on staying alive that was hard enough.

That about closes the teenage years

Bows
8th July 2008, 10:10 PM
You have touched my heart and you are in my thoughts. Its lovely to read your posts that you feel able to share with us. Please stay strong, you have lots of friends here that care very much. Sending warm wishes your way :ghug:

GillyG
8th July 2008, 11:19 PM
Mark, I have to ask, are you a songwriter? And if not, why not? :treehug:

alyssa
10th July 2008, 01:35 PM
Mark, I have to ask, are you a songwriter? And if not, why not? :treehug:

I agree, Mark you're amazing. You so deserve a break so here's to hoping you can get the surgery on your back *hugs* xx

mark
10th July 2008, 09:08 PM
Into my 20s, still can't sleep, the ghosts, is there a ghost in my house, dam right there is, so, now, what do we do to abate the ghost, the ghost thats haunted my house, well anything i can, to stop the dreams, kill the ghosts, too many years trying to kill those ghosts, too many 4 am wake ups, sweat, hot flushes, why me, can't make plans, thank god i'm 150 miles from loved ones, wouldn't want to see a broken shell, having a hard time baring up, turning up, doing work, is there a place on earth i can find peace, want to, wanted to, need to, a little piece of England to call mine, somewhere no one can get in, my place, my space.

Play my music, do my thing, somewhere to feel a little less helpless, somewhere special, to take my mind to places that are less than helpless, time after time tried to find, but feel so helpless, someplace special, but where, hate to say but i found it, and it made me more helpless ok, it was great for a time, took me away, far away, but then i had to come down, if only i had had a fortune teller i could have saved myself 10 years and a nervous breakdown, o for a crystal ball, but hee hoo, can't regret, don't regret, lifes about making mistakes, sometimes it don't make sense, kept it all inside, my mistake, getting high was my thing, forget, anethatise the mind, stop remembering, seemed like a good idea at the time, wanted time to pass forever, changes, S**t happens, life was changing, not for the better, but couldn't get worse.

Then the morning after, moon goes, sun comes up, another day, used to be able to cope, used to think invincibilty, used to chuckle, now its too late, can't do it anymore, climbing the highs, sinking into the lows, can't let you beet me though, used to laugh about it, been litening to too much Neil Young, man Neil, if there was a god he manifested himself in Mr Young, is it too late, would yo miss me, would i miss you, yes, i know the answer but its getting buried, weighed down,

So Jumped on train, 1998, broke down, me not the train, felt like laughing, felt like crying, didn't get far, did anyone miss me, they did all merry hell broke loose, glad they didn't call the cops, just got back in time, i was sure no one would miss me. Trying to hold on, spiralling out of control, couldn't see it, Dr could, valium, yes thats the answer, then on an extremely lonely drive, lonliness coursing through veins, lonely, 6 months, couldn't do any more, couldn't confront demons, made excuses, excuses, coursing through my veins,

Now where's that ghost gone, can't seem to remember much about it, how long did it take to come, to go, need to get of that valium s%%t, man doing me no good, cold turkey, yes thats the best way to go, 140 mgs to nothing, how sensibles that, i could barely function, couldn't cope with or without, only 28 though, no sweat, young could take, didn't matter how long, couldn't take that long could it. Boy it did, ying ang yang, play by the sword, dance with devil, got to be some pay back, can't get away scott free, got so many questions, couldn't answer half them, felt like i was drowning, can't do the crime, don't do the time, questions, crawling, everywhere, couldn't feel, couldn't see, felt like a train crash, plane crash, then all of a sudden i'm 30

and the questions keep coming, too many, too few, not enough, overload, circuits breaking, got to keep both feet on the ground, you'll get by son, stop the questions, too many questions, got to make it through, find the other side, yes, next goal, you made 30 son s**t, well done, it could have been more tragic, ok you been burned, got burned, to but your still travelling, alive, got get back to the other side, not hard, your near. Get your heart back son, ok, you can't look in the mirror, but at least you can find the shade

so thats me hit 30 not long to go now

Amazed Jean
11th July 2008, 12:19 AM
Mark, Of course there are ghosts. What the hell do you care? Leave them alone. They are doing fine by themselves. Of course you are in a mess if you are 155 miles from your family. You don't need to be away. you don't need old songs . You don't need to lie and bed and think. You need to eat a little and try to look for someone you can help. Concentrate on doing something for someone else. Don't try to understand you or your life. There is no reason for lots of things. Shit does just happen sometimes. Try to not let it happen on your head today. You get stronger. You DO it NOW!! and you better know that I am thinking of you and expecting you to be the Mark that you really are.

cork_lass
11th July 2008, 10:38 AM
Yes Mark I agree with Jean that they are ghosts. I too used to wake up with them there, but I got help and now they are gone and I'm taking care of myself and I'm happy. So please tell your GP that you need help.
We all love and admire you and think your a great guy.

alyssa
12th July 2008, 02:05 PM
Mark, Of course there are ghosts. What the hell do you care? Leave them alone. They are doing fine by themselves. Of course you are in a mess if you are 155 miles from your family. You don't need to be away. you don't need old songs . You don't need to lie and bed and think. You need to eat a little and try to look for someone you can help. Concentrate on doing something for someone else. Don't try to understand you or your life. There is no reason for lots of things. Shit does just happen sometimes. Try to not let it happen on your head today. You get stronger. You DO it NOW!! and you better know that I am thinking of you and expecting you to be the Mark that you really are.

Couldn't have put it better. Mark DO something about this if it's making you THIS miserable! I'm begging you! I'm always thinking and wondering about you mate, xx.

mark
12th July 2008, 10:45 PM
Should i walk away, should i have walked away, nah, i love you guys, i do, i thank you for your posts, they mean so much, o so much, keeping me alive, so appreciated, keeping me half sane (ish), thanks

Amazed Jean
13th July 2008, 05:01 AM
Mark, You are so damn lucky that you don't live on this side of "the pond". If you did Iwould be dragging youyr sorry ass out of where the hell ever you are hiding out and forcing you to deal with me. You feel really bad but you must see that going back isn't possible. Let the past go! You can't change it. Get over it. I really mean it. When I feel that dark I have to claw my way out to reality and get help. Talk to someone. Go to church. Go for a hike, Eat a whole box full of cupcakes or a half gallon of ice cream. Find your daughter and hug her. Or better yet, sit down and write her a letter telling her everything you love about her. Then put it away for her 16th birthday. You have to make yourself want to be out ot the darkness. You cannot continue in the way that you are. You know that as well as anyone else does. There is no magic cure. Please care enough about yourself to have an honest look at life in general. We need you and others need you. We are just waiting for you to see that.

GillyG
13th July 2008, 06:14 PM
Or better yet, sit down and write her a letter telling her everything you love about her. Then put it away for her 16th birthday.

Oh Jean, what a beautiful idea :D Mark, you have to do this, then make damn sure you're happy and healthy enough to watch her read it on her birthday :D

mark
14th July 2008, 10:10 PM
I can see the silver moon shining in the sky, thats cool, i'm starting to see again, i know its gonna be shining long after i die, long after you die, long after everyone dies, thi is progress, i can't escape from gravity, no one can

Still feel helpless, in my mind, I still need a place to go, thats where all my changes are, but thats not bad is it, can see the birds again man, flying, flying across the sky, ok so i nicked a few licks from neil young there, but it illustrates progression, slow, i can still see shadows, plenty of shadows,

What were the clouds like when you were young, i remember long days, remembering then long hot days, blue skies, before the nightmare began, summer 1976, the skies were blue deep blue, beautiful, i can get back there now, couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't, got over that hump, pardon the pun, don't know if its because the consultations only seven days away, seven sleeps as the little one would say

feel i can fight the slippery people, without falling on my face, slipping in the s**t life threw, the slippery people aint gonna win, got to stop acting crazy, going crazy, aint good, its up to me, no one else don't want to be bad as the slippery people, got to feel i'm all right, doing fine, made another week, i left it up to me, too long, should wake up and smell the perfume, just waking ups got to feel good

Take a look and tell me what you find, be honest, it won't leave me faceless, i shouldn't leave it up to you, silly things, are easy to blame, got to grow up, leave that 16 year olds shell, going round the bend, don't take me games away, don't blame me now, i blame you, thats what i said for so long blamed the world, why, because i is young, i was young, felt it shouldn't be up to me, you put too much on young shoulders, but i'm getting over, need to get over it, your right jean, if i don't its gonna kill me

remember them ice pops you used to make, orange juice water and then the freezer, why remember them, just a thought, probably cause i'm listening to REM orange crush, great line, got my spine, i've got my orange crush,

Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper, love the disco, first became aware i was different whilst dancing in the disco, last year at little school, dancing in the disco with my jumper off, wheres me jumper told me mum, she went balistic, made me feel ashamed didn't know why, my mum was so, so angry, i was dancing at the disco, no jumper, so what, i was 10, why did that come back, that thought, why, i love the disco, dancing at the disco, never took me jumper of again, wheres, me jumper, wheres that jumper, wheres it gone, i don't know, sure i had it in the lavatory, had to share this, must ask my mother why she was so, so angry, bet she can't remember, i can

Alyssa, Jean, Gilly, Corklass, Simon, Toni, everyone, i'm getting to a better place, i'm coming down the line, i need to get away from living just for the day, i need to get into better time, with your help, i'm doing the best i can, all my fears are rattling round me head, i still don't like people to know my face, yet i posted pictures, i'm complex, complicated, helpless, frightened, lonely, friendly, fearless and fearsome, mess up some times, mess up a lot, ashamed, feel the need to find, found shelter, shelter me from the fall, you all give so much, disullusion, felt dissollusion for so long, didn't think i needed you, or anyone, realised i do, i need to find the shelter, think i found the shelter, sheltering in here, from my storm, i made the storm, i now realise that, the storm was man made, now i need to find out how to make the shelter, i try to be everyones elses shelter, its easy living in other peoples lives, means you don't have to live yours

And its summer for christ sake, flowers, sun, warmth, new birth, new growth, lambs, love watching the summer, hated it for so long, seeing everyone else enjoying, feeling the warmth, i wore clothes lots of baggy clothes, so no one could see, never went on holiday to warm countries, too ashamed of the shell, i was given, living and breathing in a fecked up shell, but sunshines better, starting to realise that, stop feeling lonely, got to climb that hill, get rid of all that hate, sugar, honey, instead of poison, got to make that smile come back, bring me back, from the other side, small steps, bless the weather, yes stop wishing yor life would drift down the stream, ride the wave, couldn't swim, felt i was being swallowed up, disapearing in side, need to get back in the water, swim, chase the wave, stop being swallowed up, make them waves, stop hearing, making waves in the bathroom, its the last room we visit, ever wondered why, don't go, there we go, i need to stop making waves, are you in there, are we out of there, are we dieing, don't leave me now, stay with me, until the next time, thanks for being patient

madmclw
14th July 2008, 11:30 PM
You're a beautiful human being, I hope you realise that. Don't ever give up Mark, you deserve more than anyone to be happy again, to be right again, to be straight again.

:squeeze:

GillyG
14th July 2008, 11:48 PM
Mark, you don't know how much I smiled when I read your latest post :D I think you're getting to grips with yourself more now, beginning at last to see that none of this is your fault and that you deserve to feel happy and loved. Keep going, keep going up and up :D

mark
15th July 2008, 12:20 AM
Come to realise i got to be stronger or die, stark choices, days ago would have chosen the former, now, i'm trying to see the later, learn to love the future, hee i'm having a good day, hoplessness fades, don't know what tomorrow may bring, but hee why worry, nothing you can do, just hope the hoplessness fades away, i'm either going to die or become stronger, i want to become stronger, can't promise you a miracle, but i'll try, got to see beauty, even where there's none, anythings possible, try, got to try, can't slip, will slip, don't shout, 12 steps, promise you i'll try, but can't promise miracles, need to try, can't go on, too tired.

Wanted to die for so long, couldn't think of anything else, wanted to fade away, fade away so quitely, but haven't surrendered to that temptation, dreams, tonight, i hope i haven't, i need to see the new day rise without hate, this space its where my heart wants to be, in the land of the living, with the living, functioning as a responsible member of society, contributing positively, not negatively, been so negative, let so many down, family, friends you lot, negatively posted, trying to make amends, can you forgive someone so foolish, hope so

Amazed Jean
15th July 2008, 06:51 AM
Mark, DO NOT APOLOGIZE. We just want you to get right with yourself. Of course it's difficult and overwhelming to live a life trapped in a body that doesn't bend to your will. Scoliosis, Kyphosis and several other things forced us into the bodies we have. DO NOT let it own your brain. DO NOT let it own your soul. YOU have to decide to try whatever to be in control. Look yourself in the face and tell yourself to do it. You are so needed. I am so happy that you are starting to come back to the you we know and love.

cork_lass
15th July 2008, 10:42 AM
Mark I'm so happy that you are now thinking of happy times and maybe you can think of the feeling you had standing on the Alps. When you shared your beautiful photos with me I cried with joy to see so much beauty. I was so happy that you shared them with me. Keep positive and know that we are all happy to know such a wonderful man.
Lots of love
Mary :)

mark
15th July 2008, 05:18 PM
Thanks everybody, your words are so kind and mean so much, had a massive set back today, had to put thee family dog to sleep, Oscar the Yorkshire Terrier, we had him 13 years next month, absolutely devastated, don't know what else to say, the wife can't stop crying, haven't broke it to the bairn yet, just going now to pick her up from the childminder, don't know what to tell her, she loved him, literally loved him, we all did, it feels like someone has cut my right arm of, no, please someone cut my right arm of just to have him back, hardest decision i have had to make ever, peace and love to you all

GillyG
15th July 2008, 08:24 PM
Thinking of you :luv:

Amazed Jean
15th July 2008, 10:14 PM
Oh I am so sorry. We have had to put down 2 dogs in our married years. Both times I lay on the floor at the vet's holding our old pals. I just couldn't leave them with strangers. I also said the last time that I would not do it again. My old self can't handle it, so no more dogs at our house. You might tell your daughter that her furry friend is at a place where he is happy and no longer hurts.

mark
15th July 2008, 11:41 PM
Took my grief out on the old pear tree in the back garden, with the smallest hand axe and saw i possess, took me all afternoon of blood, sweat and tears, feel i needed to punish myself, anyways the pear wasn't grown right, gave of a crap crop, we still have two lovely apple trees, and its were Oscar's ashes are going under a lovely Japenese Maple or something similar that i haven't purchased yet, gonna take my time and get just the right tree, it didn't make me feel any better but it tired me out

Everywhere i turn i still see the dog, the house just isn't the same any more

cork_lass
16th July 2008, 10:40 AM
Hi Mark, I'm so sorry to hear about Oscar. We had to put our dog Tiny to sleep when he was 17 years old, and I still miss him in the house.
The reason you could be still seeing him around the place is that his spirit is still with you and he could be letting you know that he's ok and is checking to see if you are. Next time you see him or think of him maybe if you tell him how much you loved him and are glad he's not suffering now and you are missing him it might help you.
Lots of love
Mary:squeeze:

Simon
16th July 2008, 03:03 PM
Hi mark

Am so sorry about the loss of oscar we had a dog called oscar and like you we had to put him to sleep .
We had his ashes brought home and we all went to the local garden centre and brought a lovely rose bush called PEACE ..And then planted the rose and scattered the ashes around .

There are a few roses bud/bushes at the the local garden center called lovely names ...Just a suggestion for you .

Its Such a hollow place your home without your best freind ..Keep your head up mate and stay positive.

mark
16th July 2008, 07:51 PM
Got a letter from the hospital today, says my appointments been put back a day, problem is i was told Mr G only does appointments on a tuesday morning, don't want to see a registrar, need to see the main man, it still says his name on the letter but its got me a touch worried

Amazed Jean
16th July 2008, 10:57 PM
At least they told you of the day change before you got there.
I am happy that you sound better. I know you are sad about your dog and I'll tell you that it took at least 5 years for me to stop thinking about my last dog every day. Hnag in there Mark. You are getting better.

GillyG
16th July 2008, 11:59 PM
Mark, you need to phone the hospital and check you've not been put onto the registrars list - they try to do that to me every time but I've not let them get away with it :p The last thing you need is someone who probably won't know what can and can't be done for you giving you the wrong information, and it does happen. You need to see Mr Gibson himself to get a true assessment of your options, even if that means the appointment being delayed until he gets back from hols.

ETA - And it has always still said Mr Cole on my appointment letters even when they've tried to move me onto the registrars list, cos it's still classed as his clinic, so I'd be very wary if I were you.

mark
17th July 2008, 11:11 PM
Going to be a world of hurt I know that, either way, surgery or not, offered it turned it down, offered it took it, not offered it, either way its going to hurt, a lot, not hurt as much as getting to 37 and coming to the conclusion that blowing my brains out isnít the answer, that hurt, hurt a lot, suicide, romantic, die young, everybody remembers you that way, I have to see that its a wonderful world if you, I, all of us can take to time out to love it, I need to take time learn how to love it, its going to hurt, I have hated for so long, been so angry, Iím fixable, Iím not beyond repair, its not too late to throw myself into life, got learn its great to be alive, I need to not think too much, thought too much, got to think of a time when life was less rotten, focus on that, when life was innocent, back before things started going wrong,

Spent so long dead drunk and naked, when I was young drank too much whiskey, smoked too much weed, fried, ended up dead dunk and washed out, got lots of scars needing patching up, my best mates were Jack Daniels and Jim Beam, dead drunk and naked, always felt naked, never liked naked, so I guess thatís why I never liked me, music was always my thing, always loved music, Neil Youngís my thing, the mans a legend, Van Morrison, could go on, would love to go on, wonít, suffice to say the 70s are my thing, love the 70s a decade and a world apart, a world before my world caved in,


If Iím boring you, tell me, I just need to write, its part of my therapy, you donít need to read it, I just need to write it, get it out, the pens mightier than the sword, and the swords only good for piercing the skin, opening blood vessels, donít want to do that, so write, write until my fingers bleed, until my mind crashes, squeezed and cleansed

It took me all my courage to tell you, so I need to tell you now, you know, before I get to the firing room, had to make a deal, make a deal with my devil, with my demons, talk or drawn, I think the devil thought he had one, I never talked for years, Iím winning, I can see that now, Iím not up for sale, no ones getting my ashes but me, would I do it the same again, dam right, no regrets, got to rise, Iím not wrong, no f*****rs getting my ashes, raise hopes, start again, life goes on, you all blow me away, if it werenít for you lot, Iíd be buried, or my ashes scattered, truly humbling, you humble me, you do, when I feel Iím sinking and lost my control you rain me in,

stay with me, stay by my side, help me, please I need help, Iím looking round, I canít see you, where you gone, donít you know I need you, Iíve kept it all in side, give me another chance, Iím tired, need a lullaby, need to get back on my feet again, so insecure, donít leave me behind, I need to get high on life not just high, do you want me around, I need to be around, I got fears, I fear fear,

I donít want my friends to see me riding up to heaven, but when I think of it I get a rush, ride the white lightning, rushing coursing through my veins, these frikking thoughts, they creep in, I try, I am trying to save me,

alyssa
17th July 2008, 11:39 PM
Mark I say deffo ring up your surgeons office and ask about who you're REALLY seeing. And if it's the registrar then no... you want to see the man himself! Like the others said. I swear you're not gonna get messed around this time, if you are they're dealing with me and you haven't seen me go loopy yet. I'm mellow and drugged up on antipsychotics most of the time but I'd come off them for you Mark, lol xx

GillyG
18th July 2008, 12:33 AM
stay with me, stay by my side, help me, please I need help, Iím looking round, I canít see you, where you gone, donít you know I need you, Iíve kept it all in side, give me another chance, Iím tired, need a lullaby, need to get back on my feet again, so insecure, donít leave me behind, I need to get high on life not just high, do you want me around, I need to be around, I got fears, I fear fear,


Mark, we'll be with you all the way. You're very special to so many people on here, we're not going to give up on you - ever. Keep writing it all down. Then go back and see how far you've come. The general tone of your posts is much lighter than before. You're posts were very dark at first, while you were exorcising your demons. You now sound like you have hope and are eager to see the future. We want to see your future too! I'm looking forward to the day when I get to meet you, this special person who continues to light the way for others even when he's struggling through the dark himself. But I think you're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope so anyway. I wish I could do something to help. Keep going Mark, you're on the right road now, wherever it happens to take you, it definitely takes you to a better future.

tonibunny
18th July 2008, 12:36 AM
Absolutely, we're sticking by your side through everything Mark. You are so special and I always want you to be around :squeeze:

Sealy
18th July 2008, 05:39 AM
Mark,

Your post made me cry. I had no idea you were fighting such dark demons. When you wrote that your favourite artist is Neil Young, I thought of Heart of Gold. I'll share it with you:squeeze:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7M1Se-p7uk

madmclw
18th July 2008, 05:48 PM
Try getting rid of us Mark...go on. You can't, I promise, you mean too much to all of us...we love you so much, and want to see you better more than anything :squeeze:

Amazed Jean
18th July 2008, 08:07 PM
Mark, Don't feel bad about putting everything in print here. When I am really pissed I type it all out. I mean just as it comes and it makes very little sense if I go back latter and read it. One of my favorite things about the computer is I can go back and delete the whole thing but I feel better having just typed it out. I know you are trying hard. Keep us posted. If you start to waver again think about all the flying monkeys I have just waiting.

lisalou
18th July 2008, 10:17 PM
hi mark,ive just been reading through these last few pages, i had no idea things were so tough for you,
a long long time ago i was finding life tough too,someone once said to me ,lisa you can never love another person/thing or life ,untill you learn to love yourself!
at the the time i thought what crap,but you know she was right,
learn to love yourself mark ,you are a lovely person you are you!
now years on i made it through that tunnel ,i like me lol im a nice person! i still have off days .and i have to remind myself,
hang in there mate your doing just grand!
you can turn this around, your best years are yet to come xxxxxxxxx

mark
18th July 2008, 10:23 PM
Been thinking again, thinking too much, going too deep, starting to feel like i'm drawning again, don't ask why, i don't know, try not to ask too many questions, i'm fragile, got to keep both feet firmly on the ground, only 4 days to go, its felt like an eternity this last month, got too many questions swirling, whirling, flying, spying, right deep down, ferreting about in my soul, i know i got soul, i love soul, northern soul, motown, philly, my brains fully buzzed up, buzzing round and round, like an old 45, not a 33 or 78, if only it was, then the deafening silence wouldn't just leave my brain reeling.

Got to quote Morrissey here, he's a living legend, a word smith in the same league as Tennyson, a poet, why do i give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die, I shouldn’t should I, but I do, how do I feel about my life, I am sick and dull and in pain, is time against me, blame, who to blame, can I accept myself as I am now, if the consultant says no, can I accept what I got, I sit, I’m in my room and I can see myself plan, I can see myself planning, can I accept the future, I can accept the past, I can’t reconcile it, I once had a dream and it never came true, who’s to blame, that scared 16 year old sat in the big bad Drs office, that’s where It began to slide, i don’t regret, that’s different, no regrets, made my bed, bed wa already made, its written in the stars, can't out run fate, i accept my fate, i got to, unless i want a bullet in the head

Was I easy led, yes I am, was, it said so in so many school reports, but how can you take a child and make a man, how can you make that leap, when does it happen, I thought the world owed me,owed me so much, owed me a living, that’s emotional immaturity, quoting Morrissey again, does the mind rule the body or does the body rule the mind, I’m ill I know that but is it the mind or the body that is ill, is it both, was shy, still shy, again Morrissey, I am human and I need to be loved, do I feel loved, have i the capacity to love, I have for so long cried, I have so long wanted to die, I have told no one for so long, took such a long time to ask the questions,

Have I got everything I need, I hope so, will I win, will I loose, my life’s such a mess, can’t function like normal people, don’t want to be normal, I want to be sane, find my sanity, get it back, the people stared, I thought everyone was staring, its hard to get over 20 years of staring, always thinking people were staring, going through hell, how do I help myself, never felt handsome, never cared, felt I deserved to be the ugly duckling, the runt of the litter, miserable, misery, so back to the question, why do I give valuable time to people who don’t care if I live or die, its because I do care, that’s what got me into this s**t in the first place, spent so long trying to convince myself I didn’t care, I guess I do, did, care, maybe why I spent so long drunk, fleeing from them people who don’t, didn’t, care if I lived or died,

Please, let me indulge, just for a little while, its going to stop, don’t know when, but it will, its got to, I can’t keep climbing these hills, too tired, can I come to terms with the complex nature of the way I feel, the complexity of life, the very essence of my troubles stem from how I feel about myself, I do care, I do, I hope I have not started something that is impossible to finish,

Simon
18th July 2008, 11:23 PM
Mark we speak on msn and as i said to you on there ....Your posts are a imprtant factor of you getting better and as gilly says i can notice a difference in you in your post and to me thats a sign of getting a bit better you might not feel it but we can see it ....

Stay positive we are here for you and always will be keep posting as much as you want .......

mark
19th July 2008, 10:55 AM
Cheers bro, just under 3 days to go, can't seem to get my head round what i need to focus on, question wise

tonibunny
19th July 2008, 12:48 PM
Can we help you come up with a list of questions Mark? :squeeze:

mark
19th July 2008, 02:08 PM
Yes please if you can, it would be much appreciated thanks

mark

tonibunny
19th July 2008, 07:05 PM
I don't know what you already know about your back, so some of these might be a bit redundant, but if I were you I'd start off by asking:

- What is the degree of my curvature?
- Is it likely to progress as I age?
- What is the likely cause of my pain (neurological, muscle spasms etc)?
- Is the pain likely to get worse, and is there a chance I might develop other problems because of this? If so, what sort of problems could these be?
- I am very unhappy and depressed because of the way my back looks and it is seriously affecting my ability to enjoy life and function properly. Would it be possible to have medical treatment to make it look more cosmetically normal?

If they say that surgery is a possibility, I'd ask:

- How do I start the process to get onto a waiting list for surgery?
- How long am I likely to be on a waiting list for?
- Is there anything I can do to prepare myself for surgery to make sure I get the best possible outcome?
- How much correction do you think I might be able to achieve?
- How much of my spine would need to be fused?


Hmmm I think that will do - you wouldn't want to overwhelm the poor consultant or get ahead of yourself. If anyone can think of anything else (I'm bound to have forgotten something really important!) then I'm sure they'll post. I'll be really surprised if the consultant says that you can't be helped though, seriously - look at all the chaps we've had here who have had severe kyphosis and who have had successful surgeries. Keep positive :squeeze:

mark
21st July 2008, 08:17 PM
Well time has come, tomorrows, getting closer, not close enough, too slow, can't seem to stop thinking, thinking too much, longing for the dark, can't sit down, can't stand up, can't read, all i can do is sit in front of this dam computer, glued to SSo, it's gonna be a long night,

alyssa
21st July 2008, 08:22 PM
Hang in there Mark, you're gonna be fine, try not to think about it too much. Though that's probably easier said than done. You'll be fine I promise xx

Amazed Jean
21st July 2008, 09:38 PM
:demon::shrug:Mark, Take your flying monkeys pin with you. It's not necessarily for people that you will see. You need it to remember that those monkeys can come visit you if you chicken out - so keep going mister and take Ton's excellant list. Use your head. Fall apart on them if you need to. Trust me. They have seen it all before so no matter what talk until you are done getting answers! We will all be with you and those damn monkey's will be just outside the door.

mark
21st July 2008, 11:37 PM
i've been looking so long at these pictures, i almost belive that they're not real, weren't real i've been living so long with my back, all bent and twisted, whilst holding my breath, watching the world crash around my sad, misearble aching, hurting body,

if i could stop the world and turn back the clock would i, no, probably not, not know, would have a while ago, the futures got be brighter, have you seen the changes, am i getting better, there's nothing in the world that i want more than to feel you deep in my heart, breaking apart the pictures of me, you make me feel like i'm whole again, got to be progress, hasn't it

I used to think why can't i be you, why, why, why, your so perfect, why can't i be you, so why the f**k can't i be you, because its too good to be true, i'm me, why should i be you, thats what i got to think, yes, no inbetweens, no wanting, no wishing my life away, i feel old, feel so old sometimes it makes me want to cry, but i don't, much, anymore, i wanted to disapear, but i didn't did i, so theres got be something, hasn't there, i never walked away, sinking, always sinking, but never sank,

teebee
22nd July 2008, 03:23 AM
Mark,
I have not read the complete thread, but your photos look exactly like my 16yo son. He is scheduled for surgery next month (aug 08). I am frightened, but have good feelings from the others who have posted.....many successes.

I feel for you and your self-image struggles. My son is a competitive swimmer and one thing that 'we' all comment on is how comfortable he is in his own skin. We would not be seeking surgery except his doctor has determined that his curve will continue to progress unless his spine is fused. They will attempt to correct his kyphosis at the same time.

Thinking of you.

tb

Amazed Jean
22nd July 2008, 06:39 AM
Dear Guest, Please register and join our slighty wonky world. We are glad to have new members and ask your son to join in if feels like it. I just wanted to Welcome you.

mark
28th July 2008, 04:39 PM
Well, had some good news and some bad news, good news first, i got a date for the mri scan which is the 6th of August the bad new is when i phoned for a date with the surgeon, the next available appointment isn't until the 13th January next year, i was/am pretty nocked back by that, they said if the mri scan turned up something or there is a cancellation i might be able to see him or hear from sooner, don't know what i am going to do, wait i suppose but i fear that i may not be able to, it is going to do my head in having to wait almost 6 months to see him again

Seeking_help
28th July 2008, 06:23 PM
Well, had some good news and some bad news, good news first, i got a date for the mri scan which is the 6th of August the bad new is when i phoned for a date with the surgeon, the next available appointment isn't until the 13th January next year, i was/am pretty nocked back by that, they said if the mri scan turned up something or there is a cancellation i might be able to see him or hear from sooner, don't know what i am going to do, wait i suppose but i fear that i may not be able to, it is going to do my head in having to wait almost 6 months to see him again

wow - 6months sucks. Looks like I'll have to wait about a month to see my surgeon...but 6 months is crazy!

alyssa
28th July 2008, 06:31 PM
Wow Mark that's not good, I'm sorry to hear that it's a 6 month wait. Can you not phone back up and tell them to make you priority if someone cancels their appointment? Or is there not some sort of emergancy slots they could fit you into, you could ay you're in a lot of pain???

(gosh) Sorry, I'm not very good at this, but I hope you get an appointment sorted out soon mate,

Take it easy xx

madmclw
28th July 2008, 10:50 PM
No chance you can get to speak directly to your surgeon again?? He seemed to be the only person who actually understands you. Don't accept that without putting up some sort of a fight Mark, you know as well as we do that that isn't good enough. :squeeze:

mark
28th July 2008, 11:03 PM
The way i feel at the minute, i just want to give up, just want to die, burry me in an unmarked grave, somewhere unconsigrated, i will met you again, juust a few more years down the line

Phoenix
28th July 2008, 11:07 PM
You must be gutted by the six month hold up. How do you feel right now? Do you think you have the energy to ring up and bang a few drums to see if you can get seen sooner? I know it's the hardest thing when you feel knocked for six - could you get someone to call on your behalf? I know the lists are busy but maybe the person you spoke to wasn't the best person - maybe if you call aain you'll get someone with a bit of compassion. I've found it can happen like that sometimes, and even though you may find the call emotional, this time the person you speak to may try a little bit harder to bring the appointment forward.

I wish you luck - this is a temporary setback - you'll get there.

mark
28th July 2008, 11:26 PM
Thanks so much for your kind words but i feel emotionaly destructed, my whole beings beyond help, i wish i could feel that someone could help, but i don't i'm emotionally fu**ed, my body, is beyond help, can't out run the s**t i'm in, just need to cut my pathetic body into bits, feeling so helpless, everytime i turn around and feel hope i get kicked in the teeth, am i tough, i dont think so, i want to be tough but i a'nt

GillyG
28th July 2008, 11:59 PM
Mark, the people who make the appointments don't know individual circumstances, so you need to ring Mr Gibson's secretary to get an earlier date. You can't give up now you've finally found someone willing to help you - we won't let you :p

Seeking_help
29th July 2008, 06:32 PM
Mark, the people who make the appointments don't know individual circumstances, so you need to ring Mr Gibson's secretary to get an earlier date. You can't give up now you've finally found someone willing to help you - we won't let you :p

The squeeky wheel gets the oil. For my intial consult, the wait was 6months. After waiting 3 months, I got fed up and got my GP to tell them to bump up the date because my back was hurting more than before. I got an appointment within 4 weeks - cutting more than 2months off the wait!

Say the same - see if it bumps you up.

Louisse
30th July 2008, 01:20 AM
Hi Mark
so sorry to read your posts of you feeling so bad. Can I suggest you write to your surgeon direct and explain your circumstances? I am sure they will honour you a reply - (just a thought).
Thinking of you lots and hoping you will be feeling stronger soon.

15step
30th July 2008, 02:40 AM
I'm sorry to hear about the frustration and anger you are going through, as a girl of 20 with severe scoliosis it has effected my confidence a heck of lot, to the point that i just want to dissappear, some days are a complete burden. Don't give up, i've only just plucked up the courage to try and find someone willing to operate. I was too scared of consequences before hand and i think you should be proud of yourself to want to do something about it.

Amazed Jean
30th July 2008, 08:42 AM
Stop it Mark! We all know what you can do. Get pushy - get your appointment moved to when YOU want it. Or try negoiating with them or threatening them - whatever it takes. Do NOT hurt yourself and DO NOT even think you aren'tworth it. And so help me if you go back to the very dark bottom again I am going to bite your kneecaps and send the flying monkeys. Come on Mark you are worrying me.

mark
30th July 2008, 11:27 AM
Thanks everyone, i'm back to fighting off the darkness, louisse, gilly, seeking help, thanks for the support, em i hope you find someone who can help you and sorry to read you have dark days too and jean, your always there to rane me in thanks

alyssa
30th July 2008, 02:13 PM
Stop it Mark! We all know what you can do. Get pushy - get your appointment moved to when YOU want it. Or try negoiating with them or threatening them - whatever it takes. Do NOT hurt yourself and DO NOT even think you aren'tworth it. And so help me if you go back to the very dark bottom again I am going to bite your kneecaps and send the flying monkeys. Come on Mark you are worrying me.

!!!!!

teebee
30th July 2008, 05:51 PM
Mark,

Chin up! Perhaps after the scan in August, the doctor will re-think the schedule. I agree with everyone that you should call back and ask to speak directly to him and express your concerns.

There are many wickets to go through on the path to surgery and many things that seem like obstacles can end up being the way life is meant to happen.

Your experience has been so valuable to me in the short week I have been a member. Just think..if it weren't for you, I would not have a place to turn now. Please realize that it is what is inside you that is valuable and complete and perfect. Your outside is just a wrapping.

I am praying for you to get answers sooner and that you can make it through the upcoming months.

tb

Simon
30th July 2008, 06:20 PM
Mark that appointment has been made by the outpatients depertment that make all the appointment i had the time sort of time scale so i phoned up the secretary and she made a appointment for me .......

Are you going to start giving in again mate you come this far so get on the phone even if you have to tell the secretary a little fib by saying that mr gibson asked you to phone up to make a appointment as soon as you had you mri scan ..................come on brother ......



.................................................. ........YOU CAN DO IT................................................ ...........................

........................................DONT LET ME DOWN NOW .................................................. ........................

mark
31st July 2008, 12:49 AM
Why the hell can't i cope with life, i can't open a letter pick the phone, i even struggle to answer it, whenever it rings i crumble, its not normal is it, i got this awful feeling insomnia, got this dread in the pit of my stomach, this tight knot, its strangling me, chocking me, crushing me, i'm relatively up during the day, posting away here helping others, don't need to focus on me then do i, don't need to think about me, i'm starting to think i'm some kind of egotystical maniac pouring this guff out, i need to get some rest, need to pull back, i can't sleep, if only i could get some sleep, i mean FFS i havent been to bed for 2 months, i'm gonna stop now before i say something i shouldn't, if managed to through my insane ramblings then thanks for reading them

Simon
31st July 2008, 12:46 PM
Hi mark

Listen brother i hope you dont mind what i have done for you but i have phoned mr gibson secretary for you . her name is tracy and see as asked me to phone her back with your hospital number (top of any hospital letters) and the date of your mri scan and your date of birth and she will make you a appointment for straight after you have had your mri done ...

She is a lovely women i hope you dont mind me doing that for you as i can not see you like this and to wait till next year will not be in your best interest.

So if you would like to pm me with them deatils i will phone her back i have her direct line number and then she will get that appointment out to you ................

Really hope you dont mind .

Simon

mark
31st July 2008, 08:56 PM
I'm just sat here crying, i can't believe the love peoplee have for one another on this site, thankyou so much simon, i'm truly humbled, i am, every day people on this site do so much for one another, total strangers that have never met, and they do so much for one another, i have tears running down my face, thats hard for a bloke to admit to, but i really do, i can't express in words how much i love you guys, i do, i love you all, thanks simon, so much for what you have done, i honestly can't express in words how i feel right now

cheers brother

mark

Lucy7
31st July 2008, 09:20 PM
Simon, you TOTALLY ROCK. Major respect to you!! To have gone through so much with your own op and to be so caring says a hell of a lot about you as a person. No words in that Chat magazine article will ever come close to how amazing you are.

Mark, you see, I know what I'm saying when I tell you that you mean more to us than you ever can imagine. You have touched so many of us. We really ARE all here for you.

I feel so honoured to "know " the pair of you and all the other amazing people on this site.
SSO really is like a family.


Huge Hugs to Mark and Simon xx xx

madmclw
31st July 2008, 11:14 PM
I cry too. Simon, you are just indescribable. To do something like that for someone you have never met is truly, truly amazing.

And Mark, don't give up. You're allowed to feel like this, allowed to cry, but never, ever give up. If Simon hasn't just proved how much you mean to us all, then nothing can ever sum it up.

GillyG
1st August 2008, 01:18 AM
Simon, what a guy :squeeze: makes me proud to be your surrogate mummy!!!

cork_lass
1st August 2008, 10:55 AM
Oh Simon I have tears running down my face reading this. Thankyou so much for doing this for our friend Mark.
Mark I do hope that things will go smoothly for you, I will be thinking of you every day.
Lots of love and best wishes to Mark and Simon,
Mary :ghug:

alyssa
1st August 2008, 07:10 PM
Oh my god! I can't believe it, this place... you guys just takes my breath away. I have watery eyes and a lump in my throaght now. Stop doing this to me people, I'm a wreck!

But seriously Simon, wow!

Mark - we all treasure you so much man. HANG ON IN THERE!

Simon
4th August 2008, 04:47 PM
Hey mare

Did you sort out your appointment mate ??

mark
4th August 2008, 04:57 PM
Not had the time yet mate, the wifes come down with a bad case of chicken pox and what with all the cleaning, washing, ironing, hoovering, cooking, washing up, looking after the little one, pegging the washing out, shopping its been impossible to do anything else, a mans work is never done

Lucy7
4th August 2008, 07:28 PM
Oh, poor thing. Chicken pox is nastier for adults.

I hope you get a chance to sort out the appointment soon.

mark
5th August 2008, 07:52 PM
Thanks Lucy, i have my mri scan tomorrow which i am nervous as hell about and looking forward to about as much as i do going to the dentist and seeing him twice a year is two too many times, i don't like being in confined spaces one little bit, in fact i usually take the stairs instead of the lift if at all possible

GillyG
5th August 2008, 08:04 PM
I know just how you feel Mark, I'm exactly the same, and I hated having my MRI. At one point I was in so much pain laying on my rib hump (despite them trying their best to get me comfy with foam wedges) that I almost buzzed to come out. But I just kept thinking, 'without this there's no op, so I have to get it done', and just used a bit of that Yorkshire grit to get me through it. You'll be fine Mark, it's a small time out of your life when you think about it logically ...

mark
5th August 2008, 08:08 PM
Yes being a fellow Yorkshireman i should also show some of that grit and determination we are so famous for :D however as a back up plan i plan on not going to bed at all tonight so hopefully when i get to into the machine they have to wake me up to get me out :zzz::D:zzz:

GillyG
5th August 2008, 08:17 PM
:lol: Nice tactic :lol:

Lucy7
5th August 2008, 08:48 PM
It also helps to take a pal. I had an MRI following my car accident and it was nice to know I had a friend in the room. It made me feel safer and less nervy.

mark
6th August 2008, 12:25 AM
You make me happy, you all make me happy, today has been a good day, your all some kind of angels, the life line you threw me, you changed my life, I can’t express how that feels, to find people who understand, who share the same dreams and goals, the hours still go slowly, I’m still a pretty messed up wreck, but I’m happier, you brought me to my knees, you showed there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I’m still at a dark place, but I now know which way to face, I’m not being held, the mind I lost, I think I’m finding it, slowly things are starting to fit into place, don’t seem so lost, I still feel like I’m falling, just not so fast or far, still fragile, still struggle to function normally, still can’t open letters, still dread the post man, still flinch when the phone rings, but now at least I answer it, still have bad days when I ignore the world, still aren't eating but I feel less like dying than I did, that’s got be good isn’t it, its progress, I chose to fight, couldn’t have done it without you lot,

I just got lucky, all them years ago, I never felt like I felt when I met you lot, I used to feel I was like a key that wouldn’t fit the lock, does that make sense, I never knew how to feel about myself, emotionally immature, hating my body, always walking away, fooling myself into thinking life was sweet, when I found this place I found somewhere to belong,

But I’m going to be honest with you here, and its hard to say this in open forum, even after finding this site and everyone on it, I still found myself feeling really envious, I was reading and seeing all these people who were just like me, but they were getting fixed, I looked at pictures and yes they looked like me too, except I wasn’t getting fixed, I kept having my dreams shattered, I think I have only just come to realise this and it makes me ashamed to have had such thoughts,

Don’t get me wrong I was over the moon and jumping through hoops with delight, I read my story in a load of other peoples stories and was so happy they were getting fixed, I wanted to help, offer support, be with them both physically and emotionally, but if I’m honest and that’s what I am trying to be here, a part of me was ever so slightly envious, why couldn’t it have been me getting fixed,

What do I see when I look in the mirror, well to be brutally honest I see a 37 year old hunch back, but I am starting to see a 37 year old hunch back with a little hope, what is the reasons for this post, I don’t know, I need to find that one out, its all part of the journey, that’s the only reason I can come up with, give you, hell its not much of one buts its all I got to cling onto at the moment, I’m not going to let it tear me apart this time, I walked in silence for so long, then I found my voice, and the words won’t stop coming out, I have so much to say, so much I need to say

Thanks for reading this post, it was hard to write but ever so cathartic

cork_lass
6th August 2008, 10:26 AM
Thanks Mark for your post I really enjoyed reading it. Even though you doubt yourself Mark but I can see from reading your post that you are on the right path, and now your not walking away. You want a better life for yourself and are taking the first steps. Best of luck for your M.R.I. and know that I will be thinking of you.
All my love and best wishes
Mary :)

Louisse
6th August 2008, 11:29 AM
Hi Mark
Just wanted to say good luck for your MRI - it will be fine, no honest, believe me, I stressed for days before I had mine but it was absolutely fine (why do we do this to ourselves!!). It was quite noisy but they give you headphones where they feed music through and talk to you all the way through telling you how things are going - I was in for quite a while - listened to the whole of Abba's special hits and sang all the way through (not out loud I hasten to say but in my head).
you'll be fine just you wait and see. This is just the first step to you sorting things out I'm sure.
With many best wishes
Louisse

mark
6th August 2008, 12:17 PM
Thanks for the best wishes, i just didn't want the post post to come across as sour grapes, so thanks for your kind words

Just back from the MRI, i was first in Yippee, 9:30 on the dot, and i was all finished just after 10:15, so it was about 45 minutes, i had the Rolling Stones piped through the head phones, i shut my eyes and didn't open them for 45 minutes, necks a little sore but apart from that i was fine, in fact towards the end i was getting more into the crash, bang, wallop than the Stones

mark

alyssa
6th August 2008, 07:46 PM
LoL Mark, well done for going through the MRI, I've had 3 now, (1 on brain and 2 on spine) and the one that I had most recently lasted more than an hour and I was in pure agony I almost buzzed to come out too Gilly.

Well done and lets hope you get that appointment soon. You are the best mate xx

mark
7th August 2008, 04:43 PM
Got my next appointment date through, 26th August, same day as Lucy's birthday

Thanks titch and simon i owe you two big time

mark

GillyG
7th August 2008, 08:54 PM
Nice one Mark, I knew you could do it :niceone: and not long to wait for the results either, fantastic news :D

alyssa
8th August 2008, 12:09 AM
Oh Mark, it'll be a sort of moment of truth appointment but I'm judging that by the first appointment with Mr G, that the surgery will go ahead if the MRI is fine and it's more than likely that it will be fine. And like Gilly said, that's not at all long away. Less than 20 days.

Never forget that we're right behind you, sending good vibes down from a currently rainy Guildford, lol. It's awful, it's been raining on and off... but (secretly I'm strange and love the rain) hehehaha.

Take care xx

Simon
8th August 2008, 12:44 AM
Fantastic news mark ....Not long to go stay positive you can do it and am hear for you always ...

Kentish
8th August 2008, 05:08 AM
Thats great news Mark. I havent been around much so I'm very happy to see that things are moving on for you. Good luck!

cork_lass
8th August 2008, 10:21 AM
That's great news Mark. Try and get out in the fresh air and walk, I find this a great help when I'm stressed. Best of luck.
Mary :)

mark
8th August 2008, 11:46 AM
Thanks people, its like being on one long rollercoaster ride, your up, your down, then your upside down, phew

alyssa
8th August 2008, 01:58 PM
Aww Mark, I'm sure it is like being on a rollercoaster, but you know what?... it'll all be so worth it in the end =D

xxXXxx

tonibunny
8th August 2008, 07:16 PM
YAY tell you what Mark, you like climbing hills too don't you? When we're both sorted we'll have to go on a hillwalking expedition together, take in some fresh air and gorgeous views and celebrate how we've survived our backs :D

mark
8th August 2008, 08:12 PM
can't wait toni for that time we go into the hills and have a right good walk and chat, i'm looking forward to it, i really am

mark
9th August 2008, 09:05 PM
Had a bit of a relapse come miny breakdown last night, i ended up swigging a couple of bottles of wine, some whiskey and beer, when i woke up this morning my arms were bare and there was a load of hair in the sink and razor blades in the bin, i completly shaved my arms, luckily or unluckiley depending on your perspective i never cut myself, i dont have much body hair but now i have even less, sorry for such a confusing post, trying to get a grip on reality, but its hard

mark

GillyG
9th August 2008, 10:40 PM
Oops - Mark, perhaps it's best to stay away from the booze for a while?

:drunk:

mark
9th August 2008, 11:46 PM
I wish i could sleep, there's too many ghosts, its too much, the bloody ghosts, they keep infecting me, poking me, ahhhh, i wish i could be free, how do you capture the picture, how do you capture the photograph, set me on fire, it would be so easy to burn, i wish i had the power to love, can my soul burn with love, i don't know, i wish i did, i would love to protect you, but i can't love me, so how can i love you, how can i love anyone, anything, am i devoid of feeling, can i learn to treasure you, treasure the things that are special, am i forced to be devoid of such feelings, i feel i am

i wish i could love, even if it was only those bloody broken years, please forgive me, please forgive those broken years, i'm trying to make, trying to make some sort of amendment, its hard, bloody hell, i'm a man, where complicated sons, i look at you face, i see so much, your beautiful, i'm a freak, i always have been, your all so beautiful, it makes me cry how good looking you all are

All i want to do is smash my body to f**k, smash it beyond all recognition, take me back to the old mark, im comfortable in old mark,

Why am i such a freak, why do i feal such a freak, am i a freak, why can't i move on, why do i dislike crowds, why is the city such a shitty place, why can't i feel loved, why can't i feel, why do i have to get out of my head, why do i feel like an alcoholic, ashamed and disgusted why can't i feel love like normal people

Why am i so freaking faceless why am i so stupid, why can't i leave it to you, your my saviour, you saved me, your saving me, why i am going round the bend, fu** swear, swear, i wish i could explain, without freaking swaering,

can you help, can anyone help, please, i feel its up to me to try, but i failed, i can't, i need you to help

remember me, i will remember you, i took photo's of me, i couldn't have done it years ago, you helped me, you made me feel special, you made me feel, happy, you made me feel ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, you were just so special, i would do anything for you

Its a mad old world full of special people, i find it hard to talk face to face, yet on line i can't help it, i got verbal crap, i hope its not too much for you to take, my worlds mental completly zany

Can i catch you when your falling, can you catch me, you don't have to answer, just by reading these crappy ramblings you have made my day, it means you care, it means you have the capacity to listen, i admire you more for this than reading my ramblings, if you got this far thanks

for reading thanks for listening, thanks for being on my journey,

love always

mark

mark
9th August 2008, 11:55 PM
Hopefully i wll get mended if i don't hopefully i will leave this world, if thats my fate, then i am ready, i can't suffer the next 30 40 years like i suffered the first, its as simple as that

love you all

mark

Simon
10th August 2008, 12:17 AM
Mark i feel for you i really do my friend we all love and care for you please stay strong please be brave and please try staying of the booze for a bit as when you have booze we let our guard down and think terrible thought and think about the past .

Stick with the future mate as you have a very big one in front of you .Your nearly there nearly at the end of the road nearly just so far.. but over the past 6 mths you have come a long way .

Think back to last yr at the darkest moments that probably were worse than it is now put the last mth and this mth into comparison .
Last mth you had no app with the surgeon you thought they couldn't do anything you thought you would get fobbed off but you haven't . They have listened to you .

Now listen to your friends the people who care for you ..

Love you brother stay strong for me

Simon

mark
10th August 2008, 12:22 AM
Thanks mate, i just wish sometimes i never met you lot then it would have been a lot easier, i could have disapeared from this world without too much fuss

Simon
10th August 2008, 12:29 AM
Well you have met us lot so tough luck buddy ........Stay with us mate !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucy7
10th August 2008, 12:35 AM
I really believe in fate, karma, whatever you want to call it. I know we were meant to meet you Mark. And no, don't you ever leave us. We all have to be in this together and help each other through all the really shitty times.

Call, email, PM us whenever you feel low. With me, I'm on a totally different time zone so you can reach me at times when others are asleep. Let us be there for you as you are always there for us Mark.

I promise you the darkness will not last.

A Massive Hug stretching from Virginia USA to your front door,
Lucy

mark
10th August 2008, 12:43 AM
You lot make it so hard for me, without you, it would be so easy, i could see you all again in 30 40 50 years when your natural lives were over, instead i got to hang on and live with you all, its kind of easy now, but after the 26th it may be a lot harder

lucy, simon, everyone, my body aches but i love you all,

mark

cork_lass
10th August 2008, 12:57 PM
Mark please don't leave me as i would be heartbroken. I'm going through a very hard time with my Mum at the moment and I don't want your daughter to feel like I do in years to come.
You really help me so much and when I'm feeling so alone over my parents I know that I have you and all my SSo friends to be there for me.
Lots of love
Mary

GillyG
10th August 2008, 01:37 PM
You've already come so far Mark, I KNOW you can keep going because you're like me, underneath, a true Yorkshire lad with true Yorkshire grit. Simon is right, the booze isn't helping at all as it's letting you drop down the hole into that dark place where the ghosts hang out. But you've already faced them Mark, they can't touch you now. the 26th is going to be a turning point in your life, I'm sure of that. You've found a fantastic surgeon who has listened to you and can help you. Don't dwell on this idea of feeling unable to love - that will come once you learn to love yourself and that day isn't too far away. After all, we all love you to bits and we can't possibly all be wrong now can we? Trust me when I say we need you just as much as you need us. It's an equal partnership and we're not going to let you wriggle out of it :p

Massive amount of love hugs wending their way a bit further up North to you ...

:squeeze::luv::hug::kiss::treehug:

alyssa
10th August 2008, 02:13 PM
Mark I probably don't have anything to say that'll make you feel better, but God I wish I did. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm so glad you didn't cut yourself, like Gilly said, maybe stay away from drink untill you know you can control it and it wont control you. Yeah?

Have you seen yout therapist lately? You need to talk about a lot of things with them, and sort out these ghosts that are haunting you because they are certainly not helping. I think you also need to work on body image and self esteem, badly. Punch/scream/shout/bite into a pillow if need be just GET IT OUT OF YOU.

Like I said sorry I'm not that useful all I have to offer and the others, is friendship. We'll always be here for you but you have to do most of it on your own I'm afraid.

Mark, we love you and if anything happened to you, I'm sure I speak for the rest of the family on SSo when I say that my heart would break.

Ok so I'm gonna set myself off crying here so I better stop right there.

Love you Mark xx

mark
10th August 2008, 10:05 PM
Sorry for being such a moron, i now know what i need to do, thanks for the support

mark

tonibunny
10th August 2008, 10:18 PM
Mark, keep strong brother, I'm so looking forward to going walking with you and sitting in a pub drinking with you when we're both sorted (or before!!). I wanna introuce you to geocaching....I bet you'd love it and so would your little one (treasure hunting is a great way to get kids into walking!) :D

GillyG
10th August 2008, 10:27 PM
Yeah, perhaps we could all meet up for a mega-geocaching event in Derbyshire sometime? It's a beautiful walking area and is kinda halfway up the country ...

mark
10th August 2008, 10:36 PM
Sounds good to me

tonibunny
10th August 2008, 10:51 PM
Oh man, I'd love that :D

GillyG
11th August 2008, 12:17 AM
We'll have to see if we can find a mutually free weekend in September, after the holiday period but before the weather gets too rough ...

mark
11th August 2008, 12:20 AM
September sounds good to me, the only weekend i can't make is the 13th and 14th

GillyG
11th August 2008, 12:33 AM
I wouldn't be able to make the 6th as that's my son's 18th birthday!

mark
11th August 2008, 11:31 PM
Its my mums 60th, o dear i bet she wouldn't thank me for revealing that one

mark
12th August 2008, 10:24 PM
Made this into a sticky,

i hope it may reach out and help others who are either on their journeys or just beginning it

Simon
12th August 2008, 10:40 PM
Lets hope so mate I will reach out with you ......can i just say your my inspiration Mate always have been always will be ...

mark
12th August 2008, 10:42 PM
Nice one dude thanks, you rock my world too, i couldn't have got this far with out you mate, i really mean that, i couldn't

GillyG
12th August 2008, 11:37 PM
OMG Mark, your daughter is ADORABLE :angel:

(Just watch out though, there's a weird guy in the background trying to eat her!! :glee::glee::glee:)

jfkimberly
13th August 2008, 05:39 AM
OMG Mark, your daughter is ADORABLE :angel:

(Just watch out though, there's a weird guy in the background trying to eat her!! :glee::glee::glee:)

hahhahaha! Too funny, Gilly! He does look like he's ready to dig in, doesn't he?

cork_lass
13th August 2008, 09:53 AM
Mark you are a great inspiration to me, you have helped so many people. Your daughter is beautiful. I wish you many happy days to share with her. :)

mark
13th August 2008, 07:30 PM
Thanks folks

I agree it is kind of like a bit of a vampirish pose isn't it :D